I Wanna Hold the Ring!
by Fork-Beauty
Summary: -COMPLETE- (R for language) Aly and Maggie meet up with the Fellowship at the Council of Elrond, and, whoa buddy! The quest will never be the same. For those who don't like these kind of stories, please give this one a try. You won't be disappointed!
1. Default Chapter

The people of Middle Earth were gathered in the ethereal Elven community of Rivendell in a last attempt to save themselves from the wrath of Sauron, the dark lord. A council was being held, representatives from each race of Middle Earth in attendance.

Elrond, the high-ranking Elf lord, stood up and spoke. "Strangers from distant lands, friends of old, you have been summoned to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle Earth is on the brink of destruction. Unite or you will fail. Bring forth the ring, o vertically challenged one. . ."

Meekly, Frodo, a hobbit naught but four feet tall, stepped forward and placed the One Ring on the pedestal located in the center of the council.

A strange noise broke the silence. "What is that awful noise?" Elrond questioned. Now all the members of the council began to hear the noise, coming closer. Elrond turned his gaze to the sky. "It's a bird. . . it's a dragon. . . it's. . ."

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!" A figure fell from the sky into the middle of the council, nearly knocking the ring of its pedestal. "Ow! Shit!"

"FUCK!" another figure fell from the sky on top of the first.

The first figure, which appeared to be a young girl, spoke. "OW! Get the hell off me" She looked around the council, bewildered. "Erm, wrong door. . ."

"Aly?" the second figured sat up and spoke. "Am I alive?"

Aly pinched the second girl. "Are you?"

"Ow! Bitch, what was that for?"

"You said to see if you were alive, Maggie. Hey, look!" She pointed to Aragorn. "It's Hot Old Guy!" Aragorn gave her a look of confusion.

"Who the hell are you?" Frodo asked, scratching his furry Hobbit bottom.

Boromir stood and unsheathed his sword. "Saruman's spies!"

Both girls jump back in alarm. "Whoa buddy, let's calm it down with the sharp objects," Maggie said. "We're not spies."

Aragorn raised a rugged, weathered-beaten hand. "Put the sword down, Boromir."

Frodo looked to Gandalf for comfort. "Gandalf?"

Gandalf cleared his throat. "Well, I've never seen this happen before."

Aly rolled her eyes. "Well, yeah. . ."

Elrond glared. "Who are you?"

"I'm Maggie, and would you stop _ glaring _at me." 

"Yeah," Aly straightened up and nodded. "Yeah, what she said.

Maggie shrugged, glancing toward the sky for a second before turning her attention to Aragorn.

A light twinkled in Aragorn's soft, gray eyes. "Are you the type that fall from the sky?"

"Well, we didn't actually fall from the sky," Aly tried to explain. We just. . . Maggie?"

Maggie shrugged her shoulders. "We just. . . fell."

Aly scoffed. "What good are you?"

"Sorry, I'm not a freaking thesauras." Maggie sighed. "Look, there we were, sitting in my room, watching the extended special edition DVD of "The Fellowship of the Ring, and we were trying to turn on the cast commentary, but the remote wouldn't work. So I stomped on it, and then BAM!, we were here. Where's the elf?"

Glimi trotted forward. "Are you a dwarf, or a hobbit, little fair-haired one?" He began circling Maggie.

"This is a secret meeting!" Elrond screamed, becoming irate. He always became irate when he no longer had control of a situation. Most elves were like this. It's one of their most unappealing qualities.

"Sorry," Maggie said. "I didn't mean to fall into your 'secret meeting.' I mean, my bad."

Aly had been thinking about their reason for being here, and when she could think about it no longer, she sighed and said. "Oh, well, it's fate."

The council gasped. 

Aly stepped up and tried to sound important. "And you know, we aren't the only people who aren't supposed to be here that are here who aren't supposed to be here, who are gonna regret it and stuff. I mean, yeah."

"Shh," Maggie elbowed Aly.

Aragorn looked at him. "You speak strange words." He looked to Boromir, but he was muttering to himself: "spies, spies."

Maggie stepped toward Aragorn, his beauty emanating from his chisled cheekbones and intense eyes. " Okay, Hot Old Guy, I mean, Aragorn, let me introduce myself more properly. In my country, we like to do this naked, in a bed. . ."

"Margaret!" Aly said. "No, me first!" She pushes Maggie out of the way and extends a hand to Aragorn. "Hi, I'm. . .I'm. . . uh, shit I know this. . .Maggie? Little help?"

Maggie turned her attention to Gimli, who was still circling her, sniffing occasionally. "Aly."

"Aly! Yes, my name is Aly because that. . . is my name."

Aragorn gave her a strange look. "Good day, Aly, faller of the sky."

Elrond's voice boomed. "Out!"

"No," Aly said, running to Aragorn and stroking his arm. "I just met Hot Old Guy. You think I'm leaving now?"

Maggie swatted at Gimli. "Christ! Attack of the Perv-y Dwarf! I'm not a dwarf, I'm not a hobbit, I'm a human fucking being! Get away from me." She dashed over to Aly.

Gimli scratched his head. "You make my head hurt. You must be Elven. Ack!" He returned to his chair.

"I think he was checking you out, Maggie," Aly said, doubled over with laughter.

"Checking you. . . out?" Aragorn repeated slowly.

"Never mind," Aly said, patting his arm, "you just sit there looking like a hot old guy because you are."

Maggie looked around. She knew that she would have to take charge and try to make some sense of all this. She walked over to Elrond. "Um, I'm gonna talk to you, because you're in the big chair, and that headband makes you look real important."

Elrond sighed. "Speak."

"Listen, my name is Maggie Vickers. Um, can I sit in your lap for this? You know, like Santa?" Maggie didn't wait for answer, but hopped into Elrond's lap. "Okay, my name is Maggie Vickers, and you can't make me leave 'cause I don't know how we got here, so you can't make us leave 'cause we have nowhere to go. And, for Christmas this year, I just want the Elf."

Elrond pondered this for a moment, then shook his head. 

Gandalf rose. "I'm not sure you can leave now. We do not know how you got here."

"Well, look you just joined the party!" Maggie said.

"Yes, I must've dazed into distant times for a moment," Gandalf said.

"Moment?" Aly piped up. "You were out in left field buddy."

Frodo came out of his state of thought and spoke. "Maybe they could help us." Only Gandalf took any notice of him. Aragorn was shining his sword, Elrond was inspecting his headband in a mirror, Gimli was busy pondering the meaning of life, and Boromir was thinking of way to kill them. The Elf was nowhere to be found.

After Elrond had decided that yes, the headband _ did_ make him look manly and important, he spoke. "Gandalf, we _ must_ get rid of them. They will cause more harm than good!"

Gandalf shook his head. "Maybe the little furry guy is right. . ."

Suddenly, a flushing noise came from the Port-a-Potty that was sitting just outside the council circle. The door swung open, and the Elf stepped out, newspaper folded under one arm, a small piece of toilet paper trailing behind him. Legolas noticed the paper almost immediately and tore it off the bottom of his boot. "I think Gandalf's right," he said in a cool, liquid voice.

"Orlando!" Aly made a running start toward him, but tripped over Aragorn's sword and went skidding across the floor. Maggie stared, unsure of what to say. Aly quickly recovered from the fall and spoke. "Oh my God! Hot Old Guy. . . catch me!"

Aragorn looked up from his sword polishing and, being the good hero that he is, caught Aly as she swooned back, putting a hand to her forehead for a dramatic effect. 

Maggie rushed over to Aly, embarrassed now that Legolas had appeared. "Aly, man, you're freakin' them out."

"Aly laughed sheepishly. I don't care. I got Hot Old Guy with his arms around me. Okay, gotta get up to," she said, hating to pull herself from Aragorn's manly grasp. "No hard feelings though. I mean, your hot and all. . . Gah! What am I saying?"

Gandalf raised his hands, signaling for all nonsense to stop. "We have no choice but to take them with. . .

"Are you mad?" Elrond stood up fiercely, causing his headband to go slightly askew. "They'll ruin it all! Middle Earth will fall to doom if they go with!" 

Maggie scoffed. "It will not! Besides, I think we could help a lot with the destroying of the One Ring. I mean, all we have to do is get it to Mount Doom, right?"

Elrond narrowed his eyes. "How did you know? What devilry do you use to know these things?"

Aly put on a hurt face. "How could you say such a thing, Elrondie?"

"Do not call me that!" Elrond took this time to straighten his headband.

Silence fell over the council. Aly took this time to nudge Aragorn. "You know," she said, "you're on the cover of the soundtrack I bought to your next movie."

Aragorn wrinkled his brow. "Soundtrack? Movie? I know not of what you speak."

"Well, it's kind of hard to explain. Don't worry about it. Just know you're the Hot Old Guy."

Aragorn cracked a smile. "Oh. . . that's good right?"

Maggie couldn't stand it any longer. She lunged forward and seized the One Ring. "We'll help! We'll be a big help! We promise, we know exactly what we're doing." The One Ring slipped from her hand and went rolling under Gimli's seat. "Damn," she said dropping to her knees. "Don't worry, I've got it all under control! I'll get the ring. It's cool!" She rooted around and finally found it and placed it back on the pedestal.

Elrond nearly had a stroke when Maggie dropped the ring, but with it safely back in its place, he composed himself and began to speak. "How do you know so much about our secret dealings? No one even knows the One Ring is here in Rivendell except for the people at this council."

"They were sent by fate," Gandalf said, pointing to Aly, "she said so herself."

Legolas stood gracefully. "They are Maggie and Aly, fallers from the sky. We owe them our allegiance."

"Ha!" Alyson laughed. Then, she dove for Legolas. "Oh, Hot One, I love you!"

Maggie grabbed Aly by the shirt right before she pounced on the Elf, who was looking quite stunned. "Aly, turn off your hormones for just a couple minutes. I'm trying to negotiate here." She turned to Elrond. "Look, He-Who-Wears-Shiny-Headband, we know a lot about Middle Earth. A lot. Your council can benefit from our knowledge. And I promise not to drop the ring again."

"Yeah," Aly said. "We'll be of good help and we promise not to pounce on Hot One or Hot Old Guy." She smiled at Legolas and gave him a little wave.

Aragorn looked hurt. "I thought I was . . . hot???"

Aly shook her head. "No, you're Hot Old Guy. Legolas is the Hot One." She rolled her eyes as if everyone should have known this already.

"Ah-ha!" Gimli yelled so loudly that everyone jumped. "I've got it. The meaning of life is. . . if. . . I . . . crap. . . lemme think again."

Borimor rolled his eyes and sighed. Then, he turned to Aly and Maggie. "So, you're not spies?"

"No," Maggie repeated. "Not at all."

Aly was a bit more impatient with him. "We have established that, Boromir, dead. . . er! Dear! Boromir, dear. Oh crap."

Boromir's grey eyes flamed. "Did you threaten me? Are you threatening me?" He reached for his sword, but a sharp look from Aragorn made him loosen the grip. "Sorry, mood swings. Don't pay any attention to me."

Aly sat down in the chair next to Aragorn. "Whaddya say, Hot Old Guy? Are we gonna save the world together?"

Frodo, who had been very quiet throughout most of this ordeal, padded across the ground to Elrond, his little Hobbit feet making 'fft, fft' noises. "The fact is, all of Middle Earth will come to doom if we don't destroy the One Ring. Now, I think the girls should come along because you know how girls are about jewelry. This will be the safest piece of gold within a 1,000 mile radius. I think they should come, to help protect the ring, you know? Yeah?"

A smile spread across Aly's face. "Wow, go Frodo! Show 'em what you're working with!"

"Good," Boromir said. "Very good. . . I'll kill them! I'll kill them all!!!!!" When he saw Aly eyeing him suspiciously, he grinned sheepishly. "Was that out loud?"

Maggie sighed and stood up. "When are we gonna go? I mean, time is running out!"

Gandalf stood up, steadying himself with his long, sturdy staff. "I say we should leave. . . now. Yes, right now!"

Aly threw her hands into the air "Ah, yeah!" She proceeded to do an elaborate touchdown end zone dance.

Elrond buried his face into his hands. "We're all going to die."

There was a rustling noise coming from the bushes. A long-face, thin-lipped hobbit came bursting into the council. He stood before Elrond and crossed his arms. "Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me."

Another hobbit, much rounder than the first, burst out of the bushes. "Damn it, Pippin, that was my line!"

"Sorry, Sam," Pippin said.

"Guys! Guys? Guys?!" Another hobbit was hanging halfway out of the bushes. "Little help? I've seem to have stumbled across a briar patch. But, I'm not leaving Mr. Frodo either!"

Aly screeched. "Hobbitizes. . . hibbiysays. . . hob. . .hobib. . .damn it, how does Gollum do that?"

Maggie put on her best Gollum voice and crouched low to the floor. "My presciousssssss. . . hmm, I'm not sure."

Boromir's ears perked up. "Gollum?! Spies!!!!" He unsheathed his sword and pounced on Aly, wrestling with her until he had her pinned down, his blade pointing at her neck. "I knew you were a spy!"

"Boromir!" Maggie yelled, shocked. "Calm the freak down or I'm gonna go medieval on your ass." Boromir quickly stood up and went back to his chair, a look of guilt and embarrassment on his face.

"I can't take it anymore!!!!!" Elrond took off his headband and threw it on the ground. "Go! Take that ring and get out of here you damnable people!! Augh!!!"

Maggie picked up the headband and plopped it onto her head. She spoke in a deep voice, like Elrond. "We must the destroy the ring or the people of Middle Earth are fucked!" 


	2. Chapter Two

Authors' Note: We would like to thank all who posted reviews: puppet of the antler, TheChosenOne, albinofrog88, DeepNight and Sweet Lovin. We hope that you enjoy the next chapter as well.

Two full days had passed since the Fellowship had left Rivendell. Already, the troupe was weary. Frodo had a cold, and Sam insisted that they stop every so often so Frodo could rest and eat some of Sam's homemade chicken noodle soup. Boromir had fallen deeper into a disturbed mental state, mumbling to himself and insisting on keeping his sword unsheathed at all times.

"Ow! Damn it!" Aly said as she tripped over a branch. She tried to grab onto Maggie to steady her balance, but she ended up dragging Maggie into the dirt with her. "This sucks!" she shouted, struggling to stand back up again.

Legolas extended one long, willowy arm to her. "You do that often," he said, smiling.

Aly took his hand. "Well, we didn't think we'd be on this trip, trekking off through the damn woods like a band of friggin' wildebeests, now did we?"

"I knew I should've taken off these shoes while we were watching the movie," Maggie said, beating on her shiny brown loafers. Legolas just smiled and extended his hand. Maggie sighed. "God, you're hot."

The three of them hurried, trying to catch up with the rest of the group. Aly ripped wildly at the branches and leaves that stuck out of her curly red hair. "I mean honestly," she said to Legolas, "are you sure you don't have a hair tie?" When he shook his head, she let out a small scream. "How can a tribe of people with long blond hair NOT have hair ties!" Aly, not realizing that Maggie and Legolas had stopped running, slammed into the back of Gimli causing him to go tumbling down the hill, head over feet.

"Blast!" he grunted as he stood up quickly, brushing leaves off of him. "Watch where you're going, you little elf witch!"

"Hey," Aly said, her hands flying to her hips. "It's not my fault you rolled all the way down there. If you hadn't insisted on wearing so much armor, you wouldn't sink like a damn anchor when someone lightly bumps into you."

This statement caused Maggie and Legolas to laugh, but Gimli was not amused. "Stupid mother . . . son of a . . . you three just stay away from me from now on." He turned on his heels and sprinted toward Gandalf and Aragorn, who were leading the troupe.

"Are you sure you're not lost, Gandalf?" Aragorn asked softly, so the others wouldn't hear.

Gandalf grunted. "I can't believe that you would say such a thing! Now, just shut up so I can look at the map--"

"You're holding it upside down--"

"Silence!" Gandalf quickly turned the map around and began mumbling to himself, tracing a path along the map with his finger.

Aragorn sighed and shook his head. Then, he motioned for Legolas. "Legolas! We need your Elf eyes up here!"

Aly giggled. "Did he just say your Elf ass?"

Maggie raised her eyebrow. "I'd like a piece of that Elf a--"

"Maggie!" Aly screeched, which sent them both into a fit of giggles. Legolas gave them a funny look, muttered something about hormonal teenagers, and ran toward Aragorn and Gandalf.

With their eye candy gone, Maggie and Aly joined Merry and Pippin, who were rooting around in the bushes.

"Hey guys," Aly said, slapping Merry on the back. "Whatcha doing?"

"We're looking for mushrooms," Pippin said.

"Yeah," Merry chimed in. "You wouldn't happen to have any mushrooms would you?"

"'Shrooms?" Maggie asked. She began patting her pockets. "We're out of 'shrooms, but I think I brought some pot."

"Does someone need a pot?" Sam appeared to Maggie left, dangling his copper cooking pot in front of her face.

"No, dumbass, someone does not need a pot," she said, pushing the pot out of the way. 

"Let me see it," Aly said. She promptly put it on her head. Then, she reached into Sam's pack and grabbed two wooden spoons, one of which she handed to Maggie. "Here, you be Luke, and I'll be Vader," she said, adjusting the pot on her head. The hobbits watched in amazement as Maggie and Aly began an elaborate sword fight, complete with Darth Vader breathing noises and light saber sound effects. 

"You killed my father!" Maggie screeched, slamming her spoon onto Alyson's.

"No, Luke," Aly said in a deep voice. "_I_ am your father!"

"Nooooo!" Maggie fell to her knees, throwing her spoon up into the air. The spoon spun wildly out of control and konked Aly's copper pot hat, a long ringing noise filling the silent woods. "Oh, shit!" Maggie jumped up and ran to Aly. "Are you okay?"

Aly's eyes were crossed and her face was vibrating. "I-I-It R-I-I-I-I-N-Gs," was all she could manage to say. Maggie took the pot off her head and held onto her face, trying to stop it from vibrating. Finally, Aly declared that the ringing noise had stopped.

Frodo appeared at her side. "Are you all right, Aly?"

"I don't know, Frodo, my man," she said, trying to stand up unsuccessfully. "I still feel a little stunned."

"Bring her some of your special soup," Frodo said to Sam.

Aly jumped up. "No way am I consuming that stuff. I don't know what he puts in that. Could be weed for all I know. Yeah, don't think I didn't hear you guys talking about smoking weed the other day. Because I did, you little potheads."

"All hobbits smoke weed," Sam said defensively.

Maggie scoffed. "That might be why you are all so short. You're stunting your growth with that shit."

"Hobbits! Aly, Maggie!" Aragorn was beckoning them.

"Coming Hot Old Guy!" Aly called, dashing towards him, the others right behind her. "How may we service you?"

"I need to ask you something," he said, kneeling down and placing the map on the ground.

"Do we need to kneel down too?" Maggie asked. "I mean, is this important? Should we get in a huddle? Discuss the game plan?"

"What? No," Aragorn shook his head. "Listen, you said while we were in Rivendell that you two knew about Middle-earth. Now, Gandalf doesn't know where he's going, although he won't admit it. Do you, fallers from the sky, have any idea where we need to go next?"

"Let me consult my colleague," Maggie said, wrapping an arm around Aly and pulling her away. "What happens next? This part of the movie's a little fuzzy to me," she said. "I can't remember where they go first after Rivendell."

Aly thought for a moment. "Umm . . . oh, they go up that mountain, remember? And Saruman's spies see them. But, I'm not dressed for all that snow, and that doesn't work out anyway. Why don't we just take them right to Moria?"

Maggie rubbed her chin. "I wouldn't exactly call that a success either, really. I mean, we don't really want to lose Gandalf. If we do that, then everyone will be sad, remember?"

Aly shook her head. "We gotta try it. Maybe we can tell Gandalf not to fight the Balrog. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, let's just head straight for Moria. Deal?"

Maggie nodded, and they rejoined Aragorn. Boromir was now standing over his shoulder, peering down at the map. "We've reach a decision," Maggie announced, trying to sound official. She pointed to Moria on the map. "This is where we need to go."

"I'm not going to trust them!" Boromir shouted, putting one hand on his hip. "Why should we trust them?"

"Boromir," Maggie said, rolling her eyes. "Quit being so prissy. We know where we're going."

Boromir scoffed. "Gandalf!" he called. "You better come over here!"

"Oh, way to be mature," Aly said. "Call Gandalf over here. Get us in trouble. Really grown-up, son of Gondor."

"What is the problem?" Gandalf said, stroking his beard. 

"Those two want to go to Moria!" Boromir said, pointing to Maggie and Aly.

"You tattler!" Maggie protested.

"Moria?" Gandalf repeated. Then, he shook his head. "Well, that's definitely out of the question. You two are far too young to go to Moria. You don't know what kind of shenanigans go on down there. Those Dwarves are really wild."

"Look, you asked our opinion, and we gave it to you," Aly said, throwing her hands into the air. "Now, if you want to be a big loser and make us all go hauling ass up a mountain, that's your business. But, when we have to turn around and go back through Moria, I'm afraid I might have to say I told you so."

"Over the mountain . . ." Gandalf mused aloud. "Yes! That's the way. Over the mountain. Come along everyone! We're going over the mountain. No one will think to look for us there!" He chuckled and headed off toward the mountain, Aragorn, Boromir, and Legolas close behind him.

It took the Fellowship three days to get to and begin climbing the mountain. Maggie and Aly had spent most of that time walking with Frodo and the hobbits, and had caught Frodo's cold. Sam was feeding all three of them soup four times a day. 

"Get the hell away from me with that soup!" Aly said as Sam charged toward her, steaming copper pot in hand. They had found a nice, clear spot on the side of the mountain to rest for a while. Everyone seemed to be relaxed, except for Maggie and Aly.

"It's going to happen really soon," said Maggie in between sniffles. "Saruman's spies are going to see us."

Aly coughed. "I know. But, try telling that to the dunce in the pointed hat." She glanced over at Gandalf, who was nursing a pipe. "Ah, there's our answer. He's a pothead too. No wonder."

"Will you two shut up!" Boromir yelled from his sleeping bag. "Some of us like to take these times to rest or reflect on the events of the day.

Maggie laughed. "Reflect this," she said, flipping him the bird.

"What does that mean?" Pippin asked, sitting down next to Maggie. 

"Uh. . . means I love you, in Elven," Maggie said. Aly collapsed with laughter.

Pippin stuck his middle finger into the air and jumped up. "Hey, Merry! I've just learned a new Elven word!"

"Everyone! I see something!" Legolas yelled. He was perched atop a high rock that overlooked the mountain range.

Maggie yawned. Yeah, probably Crebains from Dunland." She grabbed Aly's arm. "We should probably find a hiding place."

"Crebains from Dunland!" Legolas yelled to everyone. "Hide!"

"Saruman's spies!" Boromir called, sitting up in his sleeping bag.

"Oh, you say that about everybody," Aly said before Gandalf shushed them all. 

A flock of birds flew overhead and circled the side of the mountain and turned back to where they came from. Slowly, the members of the Fellowship emerged from the hiding places. Gandalf had a look of concern on his face. "The passage South is being watched. We should probably head for the path of Caradhras."

Aly and Maggie looked at each other and sighed. "It's gonna be a cold ass couple of days," Maggie said. Aly nodded in agreement. They both stood up and joined the rest of the Fellowship, who had started off toward the path of Caradhras.


	3. Chapter Three

** Author's Note: We would like to thank everyone who posted! Reviews always help (except for the one about the whole gang bang scenario, although you might like the part about the orgy-infested mines of Moria; nothing funny). Anyway, I hope that everyone enjoys this chapter. Keep the reviews coming, and the chapters will progress faster.**

The wind howled fiercely past the members of the Fellowship, carrying snow flurries the size of golf balls past the mountain peaks. Each person pulled their clothes closer to their body in a feeble attempt to shield themselves from the biting wind. Their feet were frozen, their hearts were heavy, and their ears were filled with the sound of Aly and Maggie bitching and moaning.

"Damn it, Sam!" Aly yelled as he stumbled into the back of him. "Walk much? If you'd lose that heavy pack you wouldn't be stumbling around like a drunk during happy hour."

"Mr. Frodo," Sam said quietly to his master, who was walking by his side, "I don't much like Maggie and Aly. They sure do get on me about everything. I can't do anything right."

Frodo placed a hand on Sam's shoulder. "There, there, Sam. They're just lonesome for their homeland, like we are for the Shire. Plus, they're girls; girls always bitch and moan, so quit being such a puss and stand up to them."

"Aly, this sucks," Maggie said as she struggled to pull her leg out of a snow bank. "I think we probably should have stayed in Rivendell. I don't care how appealing Orlando and Hot Old Guy are. We're in over our head."

"Damn straight," Aly said, putting her arm around Maggie. She turned her gaze to Legolas, who was leading the caravan, gliding effortlessly over the top of the snow. "Look at that jackass, skimming across the snow like he's Jesus or something. And he didn't even ask to carry us or anything."

Maggie's eyes lit up. "Well, if he won't offer, then we'll have to demand." She waved her hands. "Yo, Hottie! Yeah, I'm talking to you Elf Boy! Get your hot ass back here. We need to have a little chat."

Legolas swiftly made his way back to the girls. "Yes, mi-ladies? May I be of assistance?"

Maggie threw her arms around Legolas's neck and hoisted herself onto his back. "Oh, Leggy, I thought you'd never ask!"

"Yeah, man," Aly said as she followed Maggie's lead. "We thought you'd forgotten about us, left us to flounder around in the snow like a couple of beached whales."

Legolas started walking again, Maggie and Aly clinging to his back. "You have such a different vocabulary than any other Middle-earth creatures."

"We watch a lot of television," Maggie said.

"Television? Another strange word . . ." Legolas mused aloud. Then, his expression turned serious. "If we all live to see the day when Sauron's clout is diminished, I would very much like to take the pair of you back to Mirkwood. My people would find your knowledge and customs fascinating."

"Yeah, I bet they would," Aly said.

"Are elves familiar with the meaning of _ menage a trois_?" Maggie asked.

"Maggie!" Aly screeched.

"I was just asking a question," Maggie yelled, blushing a little. She tightened her grip around Legolas's neck. "Oh, you smell good. Is that Victoria's Secret for Men?"

"Hey, Leggy, watch where you're going!" Aly said as she ducked her head, nearly missing a jagged rock that was dangling from above. "I almost lost an important body part. And why are we going so slow?"

"Yeah," Maggie agreed, "you were moving so swiftly earlier. That's why we wanted you to carry us."

"Would you two just get off my back?" Legolas said, stopping. 

"Sorry, we didn't mean to whine," Maggie said.

"No, I mean get off my back. I cannot carry the both of you. You are far too heavy, even with my Elf strength."

Maggie and Aly let go of him. "Are you calling us fat? Did you just insinuate that we're both elephants, and that when we both get on your back you stagger under the massive weight?" Maggie blasted.

"He just called us fat," Aly said, shaking her head in utter disbelief.

Maggie let out a long sigh. "We'll just go hang out with the hobbits then. They don't mind healthy, robust girls."

"Wait, my fair creatures, I did not mean to offend," Legolas said, dropping to one knee.

"Yeah, yeah," Maggie said. "Save it for the Kate Moss look-alikes."

Legolas sighed and turned to join Aragorn. "It seems our fair ladies have such changing of their moods. I have always tried to be kind to them, but I always seem to do something that offends them."

Aragorn smiled and patted Legolas on the back. "Yeah, believe me, I know. Human girls are high-maintenance. Why do you think I'm dating an Elf?"

Gandalf let out a groan and threw his staff to the ground. "I did not sign up for this! I want both of you to turn around and look how far we've come, and now turn around and look how far we have to go! We'll never make it! Do you know how old I am? Plus, my arthritis is acting up, and I don't think I'm going to make it much longer." He sat down in the sinking snow and buried his face in his hands.

Aragorn turned to Legolas. "Call the others up here. We need to have a Fellowship meeting." Legolas called to the hobbits and Maggie and Aly, who hurried along the snowy trail to join the rest.

"I hear you, brother," Gimli said to Gandalf, shaking snowflakes out of his beard. "My short legs can't hack this snow. I say we haul tail back down the mountain and go through it instead. Or, better yet, me, you, Aragorn, and Boromir go back home and make the hobbits, and those three annoying Elves finish the quest."

"We aren't Elves!" Maggie said. "Although, I wouldn't mind making about 10,000 Elf babies, right Leggy?"

"Maggie! This is serious!" Aly said. She turned to Gimli. "You guys can't just quit!"

"Why not?" Boromir asked.

"Because. . . you. . . because you don't just quit quests! That's not allowed!"

Gandalf took his staff in his hand and stood back up. His face looked stern. "You're right. We cannot quit. But, we're going to have to continue on for many days down this path. It will be long and arduous. I expect some of you weaker creatures will die."

"Well, you're a goner, Pip," Merry said. 

"If I die, I want you guys to eat my flesh, for nourishment," Maggie said dramatically. Everyone stared at her. "No? I heard that somewhere. . ."

"Why don't we just go back through the mines?" Gimli said, jumping up and down.

"Because, stupid, we don't like Dwarves," Boromir said. "They smell."

"We're not going through the mines," Gandalf repeated again.

"Why the hell not?" Aly said.

"Because," Gandalf replied. "I'd like to continue across the mountain."

"Well, I'd like to feel my damn feet again," Maggie said.

"Yeah!" Sam said. "We hobbits don't even have shoes on."

"Sam?" Aly whispered.

"Yeah?"

"Don't help. We've got this. You just stand back there and hold your pot."

Sam gave Frodo a "You see?" look. Frodo just shook his head and stepped into the middle of the circle. "Look, Gandalf. I'm the Ring Bearer. I mean, you are all on this quest with me, but this is my burden to bear, and I think that gives me a little nudge above the rest of you when it comes to making decisions."

"Oh, so you're all Mr. Smarty Pants now, huh?" Boromir said. "You just know everything, huh? Huh?"

"Yo, Boromir," Maggie said. "Let the midget say his piece, aiight?"

Frodo cleared his throat and continued. "So, I think that there's a good chance that some of us may die up here, and I'd rather, uh, die than eat Maggie's dead flesh, so let's just try going through the mountain, okay?"

"Yes!" Gimli said.

"That's it!" Boromir boomed suddenly. "I can't take this anymore!" He moved dangerously close to the ledge of the mountain. "I'm going to end it all! I can't take this bickering and planning, and. . .questing!!!"

Aragorn grabbed his arm. "Son of Gondor, be strong. We are all weary."

"Can I have your stereo?" Aly called to Boromir.

Aragorn gave her a stern look. "That's not helping, Aly. Please control yourself."

"Sorry, Hot Old Guy," Aly said. After several tense moments, Aragorn managed to convince Boromir not to end it all and continue the quest.

Gandalf exhaled slowly. "All right. But, if someone gets alcohol poisoning or O.D.'s on ecstasy, you only have yourself to blame, Frodo. Those Dwarves are self-destructive with their raves and sex parties."

"Sex parties?" Maggie perked up. "What do you say, Leggy? Care to join me in a self-indulgent trip through the orgy-infested mines of Moria?"

Gandalf cut Legolas off before he could answer. "Move, come on! Let's go!"

After many hours of going back down the mountain, digging Maggie, Aly and the hobbits out of snow banks, and witnessing Boromir's second and third suicide attempst, the Fellowship made it to the gates of Moria.

"I can feel my feet again!" Aly said as she removed her shoes and wiggled her toes. "Look at that one! It doesn't look so good."

"Yeah, I'm afraid that one may be a goner," Maggie said. "We lost it, to frostbite. It was just a little one. You don't really use that one much, do you?"

"Shut up, Maggie," Aly said, putting her shoe back on. "I'm not gonna lose a toe." She turned her gaze to the rest of the Fellowship, who were all gathered around the Moria gate, whispering to each other. "What's going on over there?" 

They walked over to the group. Boromir immediately snapped his head around to face them. "Go away! This is. . .boys stuff we're talking about."

"Let me guess," Maggie said, rolling her eyes. "No one knows the password, right?"

"Of course I know the password!" Gandalf said, straightening up. "Everyone leave me alone. Let me do this. I am the wizard of the group. So, go on! Get! Let me do my wizardry!" Gandalf turned to face the door and began speaking words in Elven and Dwarvish.

Maggie, Aly and the hobbits gathered around a nearby pond. Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli, and Boromir stayed nearer to Gandalf, discussing various things, such as who had the biggest sword, and which one of them could ride a "horse" longer.

"Pip, you wanna go swimming?" Merry asked.

"Are you insane?" Pippin asked. "It's about 50 degrees out here, Merry. If I get in there, I'll freeze my balls off!"

Merry sat down beside Aly. "Then, what are we going to do?"

"Wanna play a game?" Maggie said slyly.

"Sure," Merry said.

"Sure," Maggie repeated.

"What's the game?" Merry asked, leaning forward.

"What's the game?" Maggie repeated, also leaning forward.

"What?"

"What?"

"Stop that!" Merry stood up and stomped off.

"Stop that!" Maggie said, giggling as she followed him.

"Frodo, my man," Aly said, falling to the ground. "This is taking forever! Why don't you go over there and tell Gandalf that the password is mellon so we can get this show on the road."

"Melon?" Sam piped up. "Like watermelon?"

"Yes, Sam the Smarty," Aly said sarcastically. "Watermelon is the password."

Sam crinkled his brow. "Why do you do that? You don't treat anyone else like that. And, well, frankly, I'm tired of it!"

Aly snorted. "Sam, don't get all puffed up. We just make fun of you because we like you."

"That. . . makes no sense," Sam sputtered.

"Sure it does. If we didn't like you, why would we waste our time making fun of you. Now, Frodo! Please go help the daft wizard."

Frodo trotted off to tell Gandalf the password. After several seconds, the door to Moria creaked open. 


	4. Chapter Four

** Authors' Note: As a reward to all you faithful viewers, the next couple chapters will be posted just as fast as we can hammer them out. Check back frequently for updates, and keep the reviews coming. The more you review, the faster we write!**

Aly and Maggie held their breaths as the great gate swung open, revealing a large, dark room. "You think we should tell them that all the dwarves are dead?" Maggie whispered to Aly as the Fellowship made their way into Moria.

Aly grimaced. "That's kind of a touchy subject, especially for Gimli. Let's just let them find out on their own. Ow! Damn it," she said as she tripped into Aragorn.

"You use that term so often," he said, grabbing her by the arm to help Aly steady herself.

"Yeah, that's what we fallers from the sky say when something bad happens," Aly explained. "Damn it."

"Damn it. . . I see," Aragorn mused.

Only the moonlight from outside lit the dark room, but the Fellowship could see what seemed to be the aftermath of a wild party. Amidst the corpses of the dead Dwarves, plastic cups, confetti, and glow sticks littered the floor, and elaborate strobe light fixtures hung in the corners of the ceiling.

"What's this?" Merry asked, leaning down to pick up an empty condom wrapper.

Aly slapped his hand. "Don't touch anything in here. Do you want to catch a disease?"

Gimli fell to his knees. "Everyone is dead!"

"There, there, my husky friend," Maggie said. "It'll be all right. Some people just don't know when to stop partying."

Legolas pulled an arrow out of one of the corpses skull. "Goblins."

While all the other members of the Fellowship waded through the corpses and party favors, assessing the damage, Frodo remained at the entrance, lost deep in thought.

"Hey, uh, Frodo?" Maggie asked. "You might want to stay away from the door."

Frodo snapped to attention. "Why would I want to do that?"

Aly pointed to the long, slimy tentacle that was creeping out of the pond towards Frodo. "Because that's gonna-" But it was too late.

"It's another spy!" Boromir said.

"Ahhh!" Maggie screamed. "It's the slimy pond thing! Pippin, look out!"

Pippin turned around just in time to see the slimy limb rushing toward him. He screamed like a girl, wet himself, and tried to run away.

"Don't worry, Pip," Aly said, mustering up all of her courage. "I'll save you!" She ran toward the monster, arms flailing, and tackled it. It promptly grabbed her by the waist and pulled her out into the pond. "Maggie, a little help here!"

"Oh, for God's sake," Gandalf said, sighing as he sat down.

"You're on your own, hon," Maggie said. "Try calling the guys with the weapons."

When no one moved, Aly screamed to her friend again. "Maggie!"

Maggie let out a sigh. "Fine." She took off running, made it half way, then was caught by another slimy limb. "Anytime is a good time to start fighting, fellas! Anytime!"

"I think we have a problem," Legolas said.

"Everything's a problem with them," Aragorn replied.

"Good one, Mag," Aly yelled as the monster turned her upside down. "Real genius fighting strategy."

"What the hell did you think I was gonna do?" Maggie yelled back as the passed each other in mid-air.

"That's a spy," Boromir said, pointing to the creature. "That, is definitely a spy."

"Boromir," Aragorn said. He gave Aly and Maggie a quick glance, then, remembering their previous conversation, continued. "Damn it! Would you quit talking about spies and help me destroy this monster and free the girls?"

"Fine," Boromir muttered. They both unsheathed their swords, trudged out into the pond, and began whacking away at the monster, Aragorn muttering 'Damn it' every now and again. Legolas stood at the edge of the pond, notched an arrow, and let it fly. It hit the beast, missing Aly's knee by about three centimeters.

"Leggy! Be careful! It's quite possible that I might need that body part at some point in my life!" Aly yelled.

Gandalf watched the scene from inside the cave, quietly munching on some bread, and seriously hoping that the monster would win and take the girls away. Gimli was browsing through the corpses of his dead relatives. He bent down and pulled a pocket watch off of one of them. "I've been looking for this! Droin, I let you borrow this years ago, and you never gave it back! Bastard."

Since the hobbits didn't really have any weapons, they were all gathered around the doorway, watching the madness unfold in front of them, except for Pippin, who was crouched by the tree, trying his best to clean up his wetting accident. Eventually, he joined his fellow hobbits.

"Hey, uh, Pissy Legs, I mean Pip," Sam said giggling, "you all right there?"

Pippin narrowed his eyes. "Oh, shut up, Pot Boy."

Sam's eye lit up. "My pot!" He quickly pulled it out of his pack and waded into the water. With one swift motion, he brought the pot down on top of the creature's head. It made a gurgling sound and dropped Maggie and Aly into the water. Soon, it sank out of sight.

"Ah, man," Aly said, pulling at her wet clothes. "These are dry clean only. Wait, I'm wearing a T-shirt and jeans. Whew! False alarm! Hey, where's Maggie. Maggie?"

Maggie's head broke the surface of the water. "Sorry, I thought I saw a quarter down there."

"Was there?"

Maggie reached into her shirt pocket and proudly displayed the quarter for all to see. Legolas waded out into the water and helped Maggie and Aly back to shore.

"Thanks, Leggy," Maggie said, giving his rear a firm pat.

Legolas jumped a bit. "What was that for?"

"Don't worry," Aly assured him. "It's a good thing. Football players do it all the time."

"Football?" Sam asked.

"It's this game," Maggie answered as the group walked back inside Moria. "See you have two teams. . ." Maggie spent the next few minutes going over the basics.

Gandalf was struggling to rise from his seat. "Shitness! I'm old, and I can't stand up! And it's dark in here. Has anyone seen my staff? It was right here a minute ago." Pippin helped Gandalf to his feet, and then joined in the search for Gandalf's staff.

Aly, who was over by the doorway, bent down and picked up something. "Hey, look. A skipping rock." She tried to throw it out toward the water, but it bounced off Boromir's head and hit the top of the doorway. A large cracking sound filled the air.

Boromir fell to the ground in pain. "Mommy. . ."

"Everyone!" Aragorn yelled. "Away from the door. Move back into the mine!" Everyone followed his orders except for Boromir, who still lay writhing in agony.

Legolas ran forward and crossed his arms. "Boromir, you're in the path of destruction."

"I'll have two cheeseburgers, and a diet Pepsi, please," Boromir smiled up at Legolas.

Legolas sighed, muttered _ Dwyaid Ihm_ (which is the Elvish word for 'Damn it') and pulled Boromir to safety right before the doorway collapsed, sealing off the gate of Moria forever. After the rumbling stopped, no one spoke for a few moments.

"Um, it's pretty dark in here," Aly said finally.

Boromir sat up suddenly and look at the members of the Fellowship, a suspicious glint in his eye. After a few seconds, he sprang to his feet, and rolled back behind a cluster of rocks.

"What's up with him?" Aly said. "Yo! Gandy, how 'bout spreading a little light on this situation." But, Gandalf wasn't listening. He was pacing in a corner, muttering something about insane girls and the end of the free world. Aly spun around and scanned the room. "Boromir? What are you up to? Boromirrrrr?"

Legolas, who could see perfectly in the dim room, pointed to the cluster of rocks. "He's over there." Boromir was dashing around oddly, saying something about securing the perimeter.

A loud metallic ring echoed through the room. "Sam!" Merry shouted through the darkness. "Would you watch it with that damn pot?"

Sam fell to his knees. "I dropped it. Did anyone see where it went?"

Legolas felt someone brush against him from behind. "Maggie? Aly?"

"We're over here, Leggy, hands to ourselves," Aly said.

"Sorry, Leggy," Merry said. "I thought that was my. . .sword."

"But, Legolas doesn't have a sword. . ." Maggie said. "Oh! Gross, Merry. That's really, really disgusting. Little too much male bonding going on."

The sound of someone humming faintly caught everyone's ear. "What is that? Do you hear that song? It's sounds really familiar, Aly." The Fellowship fell silent as the first few lines of the Mission: Impossible theme song grew louder.

"It's the Mission: Impossible theme song!" Aly said, throwing her hands up into the air, knocking Aragorn across the face. Aragorn sighed and began counting to ten very slowly, trying to calm himself."I win! C'mon, Maggie, tell me what I've won."

Before Maggie could speak, a zipping noise came from above. Everyone turned their gaze to the ceiling to see Boromir, dressed in all black, suspended by a wire attached around his waist. He began speaking into an invisible headset microphone. "I see them. . .no. . .they're just circling around. . .no, there's no noteworthy activity in progress."

"Boromir! What are you doing?" Legolas called to him.

Boromir sucked in a sharp breath. "The targets know my name! Pull me up now!" Boromir zipped up in the darkness of the ceiling. All was silent once again.

"Gandalf? The light!" Maggie shrieked.

"Well, if I can find my damn staff," he said. "Would all of you just shut up! I'm old! And I have a lot of stress on me right now. Plus, I have a headache." He pulled an empty pill bottle out of his robe and threw it to the ground. "Damn Advil. Doesn't do shit."

Frodo, who had been silent throughout this whole ordeal spoke. "Wait, I found something. . . here in my pocket. . .oh, it's Gandalf's staff."

"In your pocket?" Aly asked.

"Yeah."

"How did you fit it in there?"

"I've got deep pockets, all right?"

"Yeah. . . sure. Here," Aly said, sticking out her hand. "Give it to me."

"Here ya go," Frodo said, accidentally whacking Aly on the head.

"Ow! FUCK!"

"One down," Frodo muttered under his breath.

Aly stumbled to the ground and rubbed the lump on his head. "What did you say?"

"What?" Frodo asked. "Did I say that. . . out loud?"

"My Elf ears heard it, halfing," Legolas said, extending a hand to Aly. "I know your game."

"Guess you'll have to protect us," Maggie said. Legolas, trying to be manly, reached out to restrain Frodo, but ended up grabbing Maggie by the neck instead. Several gurgling sounds escaped through Maggie's strangled windpipe. "Huh? Wait, who do I have?" Legolas asked. He looked at her with his Elf eyes. "Maggie? Oh, I'm terribly sorry."

Maggie blushed. "Any time, Leggy."

Aly was busy running her hands over the staff. "Uh, is there a switch on this thing?"

Maggie scoffed. "No. Oh, wait. Last time, he blew it to make it shine."

"Blew it, huh?" Aly said, raising an eyebrow. After Maggie and Aly shared a hearty laugh, Aly blew a breath of air onto the staff. A light slowly began to flicker, then blared out, chasing every shadow in the room away. 

"My eyes! My eyes!" Aly said. "I blew too hard!" She stumbled around and dropped the staff onto Maggie's foot.

"Ouch! What the fuck did you do that for?" Maggie screamed.

"The light! I'm blind!" Aly moaned.

"Yeah, well now I'm crippled," Maggie said, rubbing her foot. Then, she shot a sultry glance to Legolas. "Guess that means you'll have to carry me."

"Oh, can it all of you!" Gandalf said. He snatched up the staff. "And give me this back. I've got joint problems."

Aragorn sighed. "Gandalf, please say the four day journey thing, so we can get going."

"Oh, my eyes!" Aly said. "I'll never be able to gaze upon the beautiful faces of Hot One and Hot Old Guy ever again!"

"Aly, open your eyes," Maggie said.

Aly opened them slowly. "Hallelujah! I can see the light!"

Gandalf walked to the passageway that would lead them into the mines. "Keep quiet. We have a four day journey ahead of us, and we must not disturb any sleeping evils that we may come across."

Maggie limped over to Legolas. "Well, cowboy, you gonna carry me?"

Legolas groaned and bent down to pick up Maggie. "I suppose."

Maggie smiled. "Now I feel like a princess."

Finally, the Fellowship was headed into Moria, to continue the quest of the Ring. The road so far had been quite bumpy, but no one was prepared for the catastrophes that would unfold before them soon. 


	5. Chapter Five

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Hmmm. . .We noticed a suspicious lack of reviews for our last chapter. We are willing to forgive everyone this time. . .just don't make it a habit. Oh, boy! This is an exciting chapter. There is one incident that, I know, will have the wonderful Mr. Tolkien rolling in his grave. R/R, and Enjoy!

The path through Moria was long and dark. Aly tried to stick close to Gandalf and Aragorn because they had the light, but she couldn't help noticing that Maggie was getting the star treatment from Legolas. She hadn't walked an inch in two days.

"Boy, my leg hurts," Aly said loudly, rubbing her shin.

Legolas groaned and dropped Maggie. "Well, I cannot carry you both!"

"Yes, I know," Aly said. "We're fat, remember? You clarified that." Her gaze turned to Sam. He had just tripped over a rock.

"Found my pot," he said, standing back up.

Aly rolled her eyes. "You and that damn pot."

Sam stood up and pulled his pot close to him. "Don't talk about my pot like that. You'll hurt his feelings."

Aragorn sighed and called back to the rest of them. "Four days, you guys! C'mon, times a clicking!"

It didn't take Maggie and Aly long to catch up with Aragorn and Gandalf because they had stopped, eyeing two passageways and conversing quietly. After several minutes, Gandalf turned around to address the Fellowship. "I have no memory of this place."

Maggie scoffed. "Well, of course you don't. Why don't you sniff around a bit. I'm sure it'll come back to you."

Gandalf furrowed his brow. "What? Shut up, let me think." He sat down on a rock and began stroking his beard, talking to himself. Somewhere a few hundred feet behind the Fellowship, a scuffling noise was heard, followed by someone mumbling.

Frodo scurried over to Gandalf. "Gandalf, I hate to bother you while you're thinking, but what was that noise?"

Gandalf sighed. "It's Boromir. He's been following us since we entered the mines."

Frodo shook his curly Hobbit head. "It's a pity we didn't kill him when we had the chance."

Gandalf snorted. "That's for damn sure."

Aly, bored, bent down and picked up a rock. Maggie and Legolas gasped. "You're not allowed to pick that up! You're lethal with those!" Maggie yelled.

"Not a rock," Legolas said, trying to pry the rock from Aly's fingers. "That's how we got here remember? Little rock-throwing incident?"

Aly's face turned red with anger. "Oh, fine then! It's all MY fault! Everything screws up because of me. Huh?" She hurled the rock into the darkness. 

A loud thud was heard. "It burnsssss!" Boromir's voice rang through the passageways. 

Legolas raised his eyebrows at Aly and let out a condescending grunt. 

"Oh, shut up, Elf boy," Aly said. "You get the silent treatment."

Legolas's mouth fell open. "I didn't say anything!"

"Silence!" Aly commanded.

"But-"

"Zip that lip!"

"Aly-"

"Nei!"

"Aly, I-"

Aragorn raised his hands. "Legolas, use your Elf brains and be quiet!"

Maggie doubled over with laughter. "Why must we always say "Elf" brains. Why not just his brains?"

Aragorn sighed. He was beginning to lose his patience. "Because, Elves are 'special,'" he said, doing the little quotation mark gesture. 

"Well, Pippin's 'SPECIAL,'" Maggie said, also doing the quotation mark gesture. "So, should we tell him to use his 'Pippin' brains?"

Gandalf rose and spoke. "I think I smell something."

"A way out?!" Aly shouted excitedly.

"No," Gandalf frowned, glancing at Frodo. "I think Frodo had a little too much of Sam's special soup." Everyone turned their attention to Frodo, who was off in the far corner, pants down, straining quite loudly.

"Frodo!" Maggie said.

"I'm sorry," Frodo said, slightly embarrassed. "Don't act like you don't do it. Now, give me some privacy. I'll be-- Christ, does anyone have a newspaper?"

"Frodo, my man," Aly said, shaking her head in disgust, "couldn't you have gone down one of those passageways and dropped your load? Was it absolutely necessary to do it out here in the open?"

"Yeah," Maggie agreed. "Why in front of us all? Does it make it easier if you have a crowd or something?"

Frodo zipped us his Hobbit pants, and joined the rest of the Fellowship. "I'm done. Just. . .don't go over there." It only took a matter of seconds for the overpowering smell to hit everyone. Hands flew up to cover noses. Aly began screaming for some Lysol. Gimli promptly ran to a corner and began heaving. Merry fainted.

Maggie was the only one not disgusted. "I guess having a stuffy nose comes in handy sometimes." She tried forcefully to sniff the air. "See? Nothing."

"Maggie!" Aly shrieked. "What are you doing? Are you suicidal?"

"I can't take it anymore!" Gandalf bellowed. "Let's go this way. The air doesn't smell so foul down here!"

There was a small riot as everyone tried to squeeze through the passageway. Everyone was lost in a tangle of arms, legs, swords, and, thanks to Sam, kitchen utensils. Maggie was the only one who noticed that Merry wasn't with them. He was still in a swoon, lying dangerously close to Frodo's pile.

"Legolas!" she shouted. "Close your Elf nostrils and go get Merry!"

Legolas obeyed, silently wondering why he had to carry everyone. Amidst all the chaos, no one noticed Boromir silently tracking him, laughing at how no one would ever be able to detect his spyish presence. Unfortunately, he trod right through Frodo's pile as he hurried after the Fellowship. 

Pippin spoke to Frodo as they ran. "That was quite a dump you took back there, Frodo."

"Shut up, pissy legs," Frodo shot back.

Gimli grunted. "Yes, that was quite harsh, little halfling."

They finally came to a halt inside a large, tackily decorated room. Framed pictures of Bob Marley, Cheech and Chong, and a movie poster from the original "Shaft" adorned the walls. The orange shag carpet felt nice on the Fellowship's weary feet. Maggie, Legolas, and Aly spotted the bean bag chairs first and made a mad dash for them. Maggie and Legolas ended up having to share one.

"Behold!" Gandalf announced. "The great halls of Moria!"

Legolas turned to Aly. "Can I talk to you now? Or are you still mad?"

Aly dragged her bean bag away from Legolas. "Oh, you can talk to me, but don't expect me to say anything back."

"What did I do?!" Legolas shouted.

"Hello?" Aly said, irritated. "Fatness comment? Implying earlier? Catching this?"

Legolas look puzzled. "Um. . .I'm sorry?"

Aly stood up and put her hands on her hips. She turned to Maggie. "He doesn't even know what he did wrong! I would expect this from a man, but not an Elf." She sat back down and busied herself with a Rubik's cube she found lying on the floor.

Legolas didn't speak for a few moments. Then, he got an idea. He plastered on a huge, goofy grin and sat down beside Aly. "Alllyyy. . ." he said in a singsong voice. Aly ignored him. "Alllyyyy. . ."

"Don't do that," she said, standing up.

Legolas followed her and continued. "Faller of the sky? Who loves me? C'mon, you know! Who loves their strong, handsome Leggy? Who wants to give me a big huggy-wuggy?"

"Maggie, make him stop!" Aly said dashing around the bean bag. Maggie was in no position to help. She was rolling on the floor, snorting with laughter. "Please! Maggie, help me. I can't give in! I must be strong!"

"Awwwww. . ." Legolas said, finally catching her and scooping her into a hug. "You can't stay mad at me. . .you love me!"

Aly sighed. "You better be glad your hot. . .and nice. . .and all. . .Gah! I hate you!"

Legolas just grinned.

"Hey guys, look!" Maggie said. "A record player." She placed the needle on the record and Kool and the Gang's "Kung Fu Fighting" blasted out of the speakers. "All right!" Maggie said, breaking into a disco dance.

"It seems they've remodeled the place since I was last down here," Gimli said, holding up a disco ball. "Look, they've turned the old well into a Jacuzzi."

Aly was the only one who looked in the direction that Gimli was pointing too. Gandalf was rummaging through a pile of books, and everyone else was watching Maggie teach Aragorn and Legolas how to do the Hustle. . .well almost everyone. Pippin and Merry were standing beside the Jacuzzi, mesmerized by the lava lamp that sat on the edge of it.

"Look at that!" Merry squealed with delight.

"I know!" Pippin reach out to touch the lava lamp. 

Aly screamed at him! "Pippin! Pip! Master P! Don't touch that! Whatever you do, don't knock that into the Jacuzzi!"

Pippin jumped when Aly yelled at him, and his hand knocked the lava lamp, sending it into the Jacuzzi. Electric sockets all over the room sizzled as the lava lamp died a horrible death in the hot, bubbling water. Loud crackling noises echoed through the hall, and all of the lights suddenly went out.

"Fool of a Took!" Gandalf said.

Maggie laughed. "Pippin Took? He should change his name to Pippin Fuck-up!"

Pippin started to say something, but a loud rumbling noise could be heard in the distance. The sound of hundreds of Goblin feet scratching across the ground was coming closer and closer. Maggie heard Aly let out a sigh.

"Crap, we're screwed," she said.


	6. Chapter Six

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Authors' Note: This next chapter is sort of short, but I promise that it's funny. For an added bonus, download Fatboy Slim's "Kung Fu Fighting" and listen to it as you read. R/R and enjoy!

__

Everybody was Kung Fu fighting

Those kids were fast as lightning

In fact it was a little bit frightening

But they fought with expert timing.

Legolas stopped doing the Hustle with Aragorn and turned his Elf eyes to the door. He listened intently at the rumbling sound for a moment, then turned to face the others. "Orcs," he announced.

"No shit?" Aly said sarcastically. Then she turned to Maggie, a panicked look on her face. "We don't have weapons! We're gonna die! Do you realize this?! I mean, there is no way in hell we're going to make it out of this psychedelic cave alive!"

Maggie grabbed Aly by the shoulders and shook her. "Pull it together, kid! We'll be fine." Maggie hopped on top of the air hockey table and clapped her hands. "All right! Nobody panic! No one dies in this scene. We all just need to bar the door and--"

"AAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!!" someone outside was screaming, quickly approaching. Legolas notched an arrow quickly, and Aragorn unsheathed his sword. Aly picked up a rock. Suddenly, Boromir, dressed completely in black, came flying into the hall, arms flailing, stumbling over his own feet. "Augh! Master, you must help us.! They wantsss the preciousssss!"

Aly, not realizing that it was Boromir, let the rock fly. It hit Bormir in the back of the head, his knees buckled, and he crashed to the ground. "Oh, damn! Sorry, Boromir. I thought you were a spy or something," Aly said.

"For God's sake, Boromir," Gandalf said, sighing. "Stand up. Where's your sword?"

Boromir sat up and rubbed his head. "Huh?" He gingerly unsheathed his sword. "This thing?"

The rumbling was getting louder. "Legolas!" Aragorn commanded. "Help me bar the door." Legolas and used a couple of pool sticks to bar the door. Gandalf instructed the hobbits to unsheathe their swords. 

"We don't have swords!" Aly whined.

Maggie reached into Sam's pack and grabbed his pot, which she tossed to Aly. "There." She grabbed two forks for herself.

"HEY!" Sam cried. "That's my pot!" Aly sighed and traded the pot for Sam's little Hobbit sword. 

Maggie quickly ran to the record player and put on the "Kung Fu fighting" record. Gandalf frowned at her. Maggie laughed weakly. "Just a little mood music," she said.

Two arrows whizzed past Boromir's head. He promptly burst into tears. The Orcs were tearing at the door, Legolas and Aragorn firing arrows at the them. Maggie and Aly glanced at each other and gripped their weapons tightly. The door came crashing down and Orcs filled the room. 

Gandalf let out a hearty bellow and charged forward, swinging wildly with his sword. Aragorn and Legolas fought near the door, gracefully dodging, swinging their swords, and shooting arrows. Gimli had abandoned his axe and was head butting Orcs instead. The hobbits were working as a group, with Merry, Pippin, and Frodo tickling an Orc while Sam hit him on the head with his pot. Maggie was jumping around, yelling "Hi-Ya!" every five seconds, sinking her forks into any uncovered Orc flesh that came her way.

Aly was in a corner, lamely swinging her sword around, unsure of how to work it. "Does this thing have an auto-pilot or something? Are the batteries dead?"

"Just swing it, Damn it!" Aragorn yelled to her.

"My name's not 'Damn it!" Aly shouted back, running towards an Orc, sword pointed high. Just then, Pippin ran by her, hands in the hair, the front of his pants wet. Merry and Frodo weren't far behind. "What's up, Frodo, my man?" she asked.

"Cave troll!" Frodo screeched, pointing.

"Oh, damn it!" Aly said. "Like we weren't already losing this battle!" She spotted Boromir in the corner, crying. An idea flew into her head. "Boromir?! Look! It's one of Saruman's spies!"

Boromir's ears perked up. Then, he narrowed his eyes at the cave troll. "A filthy spy!" He grabbed his sword and ran to Aly. "Come on, faller of the sky. Let's give him something to snarl about!"

"Whoo hoo!" Aly yelled. "Aly and Boromir, kickin' some ass!" They ran past Sam and Maggie, who had joined forces to become the Atomic Kitchen Utensil Duo. Sam had dumped his pack on the ground, and they were both using forks, whisks, salt shakers, woks, and a bread machine to torture and waste the Orcs.

The cave troll had Gandalf and Gimli cornered. Neither had weapons, and Gandalf was yelling, saying that he had busted his hip. Legolas and Aragorn were too busy to come and help them.

"HA!" Aly said, pouncing on the cave trolls foot, poking her sword in his toes. Boromir, unsure of where to began, swung his sword wildly at the cave troll, yelling indistinctly at it. Aly was just about to crawl up the cave trolls leg and try to do more damage, when the cave troll sneezed. She tried to grab onto one of his toes, but it was a lost cause. She went flying across the room, crashed into a wall, and landed on Merry and Pippin.

Boromir's chaos theory strategy was not working. The cave troll picked him up and started slinging him around. "My lunch. . .my lunch. . .too late," Boromir said ,and he promptly lost his lunch which showered down on Gandalf and Gimli.

"Don't worry, Borrie!" Maggie yelled. She grabbed Sam's shoulder. "The Atomic Kitchen Utensil Duo is on the way!" She and Sam took off, forks in hand, Sam swinging his pot over his head. Maggie dug into the cave trolls leg, poking and stabbing everywhere. Sam stood in front of the troll and let go of his pot. The pot hit the cave troll in the face. He dropped Boromir and sank to the ground, causing the walls and floor to shake violently. All was silent.

Aragorn walked over to Maggie and Sam and sheathed his sword. "Well done."

"Pippin!" Everyone turned their attention to Aly and the hobbits in the corner. "You've pissed yourself again!"

Pippin stood up. "I did not! My pants are just wet because. . .Merry pissed on me!"

"Come again?" Merry said, standing up.

Gandalf groaned as he stood up. "Will you three just shut the hell up? Where's my staff. . .goddamn hip. . ."

Aly went over to check on Boromir. "You okay there, Boromir?"

Boromir's eyes lit up. "Boromir. . .yes, that was my name." Then, he jumped up and ran toward the door. "Stay away from me. You want it! You want the preciousssss." He ducked quickly out of sight, laughing hysterically.

"Boromir, you're multiple personality act is getting old!" Aly yelled to him. "You don't even have the Ring!"

Maggie appeared at her side. "See? I told you we'd make it. No worries."

"You both fought valiantly, fallers of the sky," Legolas said, walking up to them, placing the arrows that he had gathered back in his quiver. "I do not think I have ever seen two females fight so bravely." 

Maggie noticed that he had a tiny scratch on his arm. She gasped. "Leggy! You've hurt yourself. You're bleeding!"

Aly grabbed his shoulder . "Sit down right now. Sam! Bring me the first aid kit!"

"It does not ail me, honestly," Legolas said.

"Silence, my darling," Maggie said. "It's all right. You're just in shock. But, you don't worry about a thing. Maggie's gonna take care of her little Leggy-poo."

"Hot Old Guy!" Aly yelled. "You better come here too. I can see that paper cut from all the way over here. Let me wash and dress it for you." Aragorn obeyed and the girls bandaged every cut, rash, and ingrown hair on Aragorn and Legolas.

Gimli came limping toward them after a while, holding his leg, which was gushing blood. "Excuse me, elf witches? Would you mind putting a bandage on my leg?"

"Oh, yeah," Aly said, rummaging around in the first aid kit. "There ya go," she said, handing him a tiny Band-Aid, quickly turning her attention back to Aragorn. Gimli let out a grunt, and Aly groaned. "All right! Sit down, you're next."

After all the wounds were bandaged, Gandalf came over to everyone. "I have been standing by the door, and I think that the Orcs that fled our battle have gone and gotten reinforcements."

"What makes you say that?" Pippin asked.

"Because there's a shitload of Orcs coming this way," Gandalf said. "Come on! To the Bridge of Khazad-dum!" He took off for the door. Everyone quickly gathered their things and dashed after Gandalf.

"Great, you remember what happens next?" Aly asked Maggie as they ran.

"Yeah, stairs. . .and then more stairs. . .then a few stairs. . .and finally, a couple thousand more stairs," Maggie said, groaning. "But hey, look on the bright side. We'll all have really firm ass muscles after this!"

****

Well, what did you think? We hope that you enjoyed every crazy second of it! That's all we have for now, until the three of us can get together again and work on some more. In the mean time, tell us what you think! Oh, and kittylace, that 'Leggy-poo' was just for you! (Augh! That rhymed!).


	7. Chapter Seven

Authors' Note: Thanks for the reviews! This next chapter is a bit short as well, but it has a bit of a cliffhanger that will have you racking your brains to figure out what's going to happen next *rubs hands together evilly*. So, please read on! Find out what happens this week on. . . .*drum roll* Batman! Um, sorry. . .*another drum roll* I Wanna Hold the Ring!

Maggie had not been kidding when she had announced the thousands of stairs that lay ahead of the Fellowship. They climbed and climbed, the weaker ones (Maggie, Aly and the hobbits) being practically dragged up the stairs by the stronger ones. Gandalf, also, had not been kidding when he had said that a shitload of Orcs were coming after them. The Orcs were crowding in from all sides, shooting arrows at them.

"Aly, look out!" Legolas shouted.

"What?" Aly said as an arrow went whizzing over the top of her head. "Whoo! That was a close one! Left a parting in my hair!"

"C'mon, Gimli, move your ass," Maggie said as she pushed at the back of the Dwarf. "Let's go! You're holding up the soul train back here."

As they reached the bridge, a terrible snarling noise echoed loudly through the cavernous hall, and filled the Fellowship's hearts with so much fear that Pippin wet himself again. Boromir and Aragorn quickly unsheathed their swords, circling around, looking for the source of the snarl.

"Uh, Mags?" Aly said, stepping closer to her friend. "That's not what I think it is, is it?"

Maggie nodded. "Big ugly fiery thing? Oh, yeah. That's him. Oh, shit! We were gonna talk about this before we got here, remember? We were supposed to think of a plan to make sure Gandalf doesn't get killed."

"Holy crap," Aly said. She sighed. "We'll just have to wing it! We can't talk about it anymore now. We've got to catch up with the guys! And hey, we could always tell Borrie that it's one of Saruman's spies and let him handle it."

"Gandalf? Sir?" Merry asked as they ran. "Begging your pardon, I know you're busy, but what the hell was making that snarling sound back there?"

"Most likely a big ass Balrog, young Brandybuck," Gandalf said, glancing over his shoulder. The snarling noise was coming closer, accompanied by thunderous footsteps that shook the walls of the great mine.

Just as the Fellowship took their first steps onto the bridge, the monstrous Balrog loomed into the room, his entire body engulfed with fire, his snarling mouth opened wide. He held a fiery whip at his side and cracked it close to the bridge.

"Shitness!" Sam said.

"Sam?" Aly said smiling. "Did I just hear you say a curse?"

Sam blushed. "Sorry, Miss Aly. I figured I'd rather say a curse when I'm scared than wet myself, like Pippin always does."

"I have a bladder condition!" Pippin yelled angrily.

"Yeah, Pissmyself-itis," Frodo said, laughing.

"Silence! All of you!" Aragorn said. He, Boromir, and Gandalf stepped in front of everyone else, weapons drawn, ready to face the Balrog. The hobbits hung back in fear near Legolas and Gimli. Aly raced over to Maggie.

"What are we going to do?" she screamed. "They'll all be killed!"

Maggie inhaled deeply, then ripped off her jacket and threw it to Pippin. "I have an idea." She pushed through Aragorn, Boromir and Gandalf and walked dangerously close to the Balrog, who was still snarling and cracking his whip.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Gandalf bellowed.

"You don't even have a weapon, faller of the sky!" Aragorn added.

Boromir said nothing because he was currently engaged in a sword fight with an imaginary person whom he kept calling Myrtle.

Maggie ignored them all and took a deep breath. "Excuse me!" She yelled up to the Balrog. "Hey, you!" The Balrog stopped snarling and lowered the arm that held the whip. He looked down at Maggie in surprise, his beady black eyes opened as wide as they would.

"Yeah?" he answered back.

Maggie chuckled nervously. "Uh. . .hi! Yeah, uh, what's your deal, dude?"

"What?" the Balrog asked.

"Uh, why are you so pissed about us crossing this bridge?" she said. "I'm Maggie, by the way, and those are my friends. We have a super important quest to finish, and it's been really tough so far, kind of like that movie where Tom Cruise--"

"Maggie!" Aly yelled warningly. 

"Sorry!" Maggie called back. She turned to the Balrog again. "Anyway, we'd really appreciate it if you let us through this one time."

The Balrog sat down, dangling his legs off the edge of the cliff. "I'm afraid I can't do that. See, this is a toll bridge. You have to pay to cross it. You and your band of warriors ran right past the toll booth, and they sent me after you, to collect." He took out a huge water bottle and dumped it over his head, extinguishing the flames.

"Hey!" Maggie said. "That's really cool. But, why do you light yourself on fire?"

"It's a scare tactic," the Balrog said. "Usually, people who don't pay the toll will cough up the money really fast when they see a twenty-foot tall flaming monster coming their way."

"Um. . .neat. What's your name, man?" Maggie asked.

"Bob," the Balrog replied. "Bobishkir, actually, but people usually call me Bob."

"Got any kids, Bob?" 

Bob dug around in his wallet and handed Maggie four pictures. "That's Takot, my wife, with our oldest, Midka, that's Drysla, the little boy is Oppen, and the baby is Phoebe."

"Phoebe?" Maggie asked.

Bob nodded. "My and my wife's favorite TV show is _Friends_."

"_Friends_?! Oh my god! Did you ever see the one where Joey and Monica are going--"

"Maggie!" Aragorn, Aly, and Sam yelled simultaneously.

"Sorry!" Maggie yelled. "Anyway, Bob, we're in a bit of a hurry. How much do we owe you?"

After they had paid their toll, the Fellowship continued across the bridge. Maggie waved good-bye to Bob the Balrog. "Give our love to Takot and the little Balrogs, 'kay Bob?"

Bob smiled, waved back, and started back toward the toll booth.

"What did you think you were doing, Maggie?" Gandalf scolded loudly as they exited the mine and stepped out onto the mountain side. "You could have been killed. Did you even know what you were doing? For heaven's sake, child!"

"Hey, cool it, gramps," Maggie said. "I just saved your ass back there."

"All right!" Aragorn shouted, putting on a big smile. "Who's hungry? Since the perils of Moria are behind us, I say we have Master Samwise here cook us a fine feast."

Sam scrambled to his feet and dumped out his pack. "Yes, sir. I can make a fine feast. We'll have cream of spinach soup, followed by some scalloped taters and then some--"

Aragorn chuckled and patted Sam's shoulder. "All right, kind hobbit. Surprise us. I'm going to find a spring somewhere to wash up. Now, if the hobbits and the fallers of the sky would stay here, the rest of us will go search the place for a lake and some good firewood. Legolas, I want you stationed up there"--he pointed to a tall tree-- "until we get back. Keep an eye out for anything that looks suspicious."

As Legolas climbed the tree, and the hobbits busied themselves with supper, Maggie and Aly watched as the rest of the Fellowship disappeared between the rocks and trees. Aly nudged Maggie suddenly. "Hey, wanna follow them?" she asked in a devious tone.

Maggie winced. "I don't know. I'm already in trouble with Gandalf. I don't want to push it."

"What's the only thing better than regular Hot Old Guy?" Aly asked. "That's right, _wet_ Hot Old Guy."

Maggie nodded. "Sold," she said, and she and Aly took off to find Aragorn. They didn't have to look too far. There was a big stream about a hundred yards from the camp site. They spotted Gandalf at the side of the spring, muttering to himself, his pipe hanging between his lips. Boromir, on the other hand, was crouched upon a rock in the middle of the spring, banging a fish into the side of the rock.

"So juicy sweeeeeeeet," he sang in a Gollumy voice as he continued dashing the fish's brains out.

"That boy has lost his mind," Maggie whispered as they ducked into some bushes, out of sight.

Aly nodded in agreement. Then, she pointed and let out a squeal of delight. Aragorn was standing farther into the spring, sans shirt, splashing water onto his chest and face. Aly began to drool as the watched the tiny beads of water slide down Aragorn's muscular chest and stomach.

"Can't take it," she said, standing up and moving toward Aragorn.

"Down, Sparky," Maggie said, grabbing her friend by the waist of her jeans and pulling her back into the dirt. "We're not supposed to be here."

Aly sighed. Then, she shook her head and stood up again. "Can't take it," she said, gripping the bottom of her T-shirt with both hands. "Must get naked and jump Hot Old Guy." Maggie lunged for Aly, but it was too late. She was already halfway to the spring, struggling to pull her shirt over her head. Unfortunately, it got tangled up over her head and, not being able to see where she was going, Aly crashed into the water with a huge splash.

Gandalf screamed, which caused Boromir to drop his fish and dive into the water to retrieve it. Aragorn turned around just in time to see Aly's head surface, her T-shirt tangled about her neck. Maggie meekly came out of the bushes.

Aragorn let out a cry of surprise and covered his naked torso with his arms. "Aly! Maggie! Damn it!" he yelled. "I'm half-naked."

"I was well on my way to being half-naked too, until this stupid shirt got caught on my earring," she said, standing up and angrily pulling her shirt back down.

Before anyone had a chance to say another word, Legolas came bursting through the trees, bent over, out of breath. Gandalf jumped to his feet. "What is it, young Elf? Have you seen something that disturbs you?"

"Yes," Legolas panted. "Whilst I was in the tree I spotted a band of people gathered at a spot farther down this stream. There were many of them, men and women. I don't think that they are an immediate threat, though."

"Why not?" Maggie asked.

Legolas blushed slightly and lowered his voice a bit in modesty. "They were all naked." 


	8. Chapter Eight

*Thankyouthankyouthankyou to all that reviewed! We're SO glad that everyone is enjoying the story! Don't worry! There's TONS more on the way!*

Aragorn and Legolas lead the group back to camp, Aragorn quietly asking Legolas questions about the strange folk that he had spotted downstream. Maggie and Aly followed closely behind them, eavesdropping. Gandalf was bringing up the rear, cursing and kicking Boromir who insisted on carrying his dead fish in his mouth and creeping on all fours back to camp.

"Oh, wonderful," Sam said as the group approached. "We've almost got the feast in order. I even spread out the good tablecloth over there, and Pippin made place cards for everyone. See? Maggie, you and Aly will sit by me and Frodo, Legolas–"

Aragorn smiled. "It all looks lovely, Master Samwise, but I'm afraid we'll have to cut the feast short. Legolas has spotted a band of people a little ways downstream, and we must make haste to find out who they are."

Maggie plopped down on a log, and Aly sprawled out next to her. "Why must we make haste? We just ran up ninety thousand flights of stairs, and my little dogs are just a-barking," Maggie said, holding up her feet. "I sure could use a good ole foot massage right about now," she added, glancing at Legolas.

"Come on, everyone grab some food and eat quickly," Gandalf said. Sam started to pull out the glass plates, but Gandalf shook his head. "No time for that, hobbit. Get out the paper plates."

"Naked people, huh?" Maggie said to Aly as they ate. "You know, this could be kind of fun."

Maggie shook her head. "No, I don't think so. These aren't Cinemax after 10:30 naked people. These are _ real _naked people. Ugh!"

After everyone had finished eating, Legolas lead them south, where he had seen the naked people. "They were right this way. I can see them from here. There are hundreds of them, young, old, all of them naked. Wait, there's a sign."

"What says the sign?" Gimli asked.

"Love Valley Nudist Colony," Legolas said.

"A nudist colony?!" Maggie said, stopping. "Nope. No way. I think we'll all just be better off going around them, and leaving them to frolic naked in the valley."

"No," Gandalf said.

"But-" 

Gandalf held up his hand, signaling for Maggie to shush. They had arrived. Maggie and Aly could not believe their eyes. Their eyes saw nothing but naked people, barbecuing, water skiing, and, worst of all, dancing. A middle-aged man wearing nothing but sunglasses and a whistle around his neck approached them.

"He must be the lifeguard," Merry said to Pippin.

"Hello," the man said, smiling. 

The entire Fellowship was quiet. They had all drawn together tightly, as if to protect each other in case the nudists formed an attack against them. Even after the man extended a hand for someone to shake, no one budged.

"Gandalf," Maggie said, trying to push him forward. "Get up there. Talk to them. Use your stunning intellect on them."

"My what?" Gandalf asked, digging his heels into the ground.

"Use your intellect, use the Force, use something," Aly said, helping Maggie push him forward. "Just tell them to put on some clothes." The naked man continued to stand there, hand extended, smiling as if he had on a million dollar business suit. "This could not possible get any worse," Aly said, as Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get it On" began playing on a nearby stereo.

Gandalf cautiously shook the man's hand. "Hey, man. How's it hanging?"

"Nope, I was wrong," Aly said.

"Welcome to Love Valley, dudes," the man said in a thick California accent. "Land of the Nudists, Home of the People in the Buff. How can I help you, old fella?"

Gandalf smiled. "That barbecue sure smells good."

"Gandalf!" Maggie said, outraged.

"Come on," Gandalf said. "Just ignore their lack of clothes."

"Ignore it?" Frodo asked. "I feel like I'm an extra for 'Debbie Does Dallas!'"

"This is like that dream where you go to school naked, but it's reversed," Aly whispered to Frodo.

Gandalf and the lifeguard stormed off toward the barbecue grill, leaving the rest of the Fellowship standing in a vulnerable circle, trying their best not to point and stare and the naked people that walked by them.

"Hi there," a woman said as she and another woman approached them. They were talking to Legolas and Aragorn.

"Good day," Legolas said, staring start ahead, fighting the urge to look at the women's tanned, silicon bosoms.

Aragorn was openly ogling them. "Hi," he said, swaggering toward them in a studly way.

"Hey, you're a good looking dude," the other one said. "My name is Tonya, and this is Lurleen. You wanna come swimming with us?"

Maggie and Aly dove in front of Legolas and Aragorn, shielding them from the naked women. "Stay back!" Maggie said, swinging her arms at them. 

"He may be a hot old guy, but he's _ my_ hot old guy," Aly said, wrapping her arms protectively around Aragorn.

"No Elf for you!" Maggie said, fiercely pushing Legolas away from the women. "Back away! The Elf is private property!"

Tonya and Lurleen gave Maggie and Aly a disgusted look and turned away. As they were leaving, Maggie pointed to her left. "Aly! The hobbits!" Merry, Pippin, Frodo and Sam were currently being rubbed down with hot oil by three other naked women. The seemed to be thoroughly enjoying the experience, their little hobbit eyes feasting on the yards of unclothed flesh.

"They're molesting our hobbits!" Aly said, running toward them. "You stay here and protect Leggy and Hot Old Guy!" She ran screaming, arms flailing toward the hobbits. "Away! Away beasts!" said yelled, swatting at the women. She grabbed Sam's pot and swung it wildly in the direction of the women. "Don't make me use this! Stay away from them! All of us! Get on!"

"Hey, Aly, who come your bosoms don't look like that?" Pippin asked.

"Because I didn't pay for mine," she answered.

By the time Aly and the hobbits made it back to Maggie, she had already fitted Aragorn and Legolas with blindfolds. "Here," she said, tossing Aly four smaller blindfolds. "Put these on the hobbits. I'm gonna go find Gimli and Boromir."

"Faller of the sky?" Aragorn asked, putting his arms out in front of him. Where are you?" He accidentally patted Aly across the chest.

"Oh, the things I could do to you right now," Aly sighed. "Where are my handcuffs when I need them?"

Maggie came back, leading Gimli, who was stumbling around, muttering curses.

"Where's Boromir?" Aly asked.

Maggie pointed to the river. Boromir had stripped off his clothes and, wearing his blindfold as a loin cloth, was splashing around in the water making gorilla noises. "I think he's beyond help, Aly. The next nut house we pass, his ass is gone."

"We have to get out of here," Aragorn said.

Aly nodded. "Let's go find Gandalf." She and the others walked toward the barbecue grill and found Gandalf lounging in a lawn chair, eating baby back ribs.

"C'mon , gramps," Aly said. "We gotta move."

Gandalf sat his plate on the ground and stood up. He smiled and shook his head. "I think I'm going to stay here for a while."

"But we need you!" Maggie said.

"Who will lead us, Gandalf?" Frodo asked, pulling off his blindfold.

Gandalf smield again and patted the hobbit's curly head. "Young Legolas and Master Aragorn will lead you. I have full confidence in both of them. Besides, I'm old. It's either the nudist colony, or a retirement home." He then threw off his robe and went running toward the river wearing nothing but his Converse high tops and a smile.

"We should've let the Balrog eat him," Maggie said.

"Nah," Aly answered. "Hey, whatever cranks his tractor. Boromir!" she yelled. Boromir stopped splashing. "Get your crazy ass over here! We're leaving!"

As soon as Boromir reached them, Maggie and Aly took off everyone's blindfolds, and Aragorn lead them away from the nudist colony, everyone waving good-bye to Gandalf, who was learning to water ski.

"That place wasn't so bad," Legolas said.

Maggie and Aly shot him dirty looks, and he blushed. Aragorn shook his head, and motioned for everyone to follow him. The Fellowship continued through the valley, their feet tired, their minds unready for what chaos and turmoil that lay ahead.

*Tune in soon to follow the Fellowship through their next adventures!* 


	9. Chapter Nine

** Authors' Note:** Thankyouthankyouthankyou! All of the reviews were truly uplifting for us. It's wonderful to see so many people are enjoying our humble little story. Since SO many of you were DYING for a hook-up, you'll be pleased to know that this chapter contains. . .wild sex. Um, no. But, you'll like it. I promise. And yes, kourui-chan, we will bear your children. . . but only if we can name all ninety of them Legolas or Aragorn.

A dark, gray forest loomed in the near distance as the Fellowship left the mountain range and entered a small wooded area surrounded by tall, ominous trees. The remaining members of the Fellowship were weary, and their hearts full of sorrow from the recent loss of the leader, Gandalf.

"I don't like wooded areas," Maggie said, dodging a low lying branch as she trotted to catch up with Legolas and Aragorn. "I'm always afraid of getting chiggers and those damn little prickly things that stick to the bottom of your pants and won't let fo for fuck."

"Son of a bitch, Gimli!" Aly exclaimed as a branch slapped her across the face, causing her to fall to her knees and flounder on the forest floor. "The least you could do is hold those back for me, you piece of Moria trash."

Gimli harrumphed. "Stupid mother. . . I'm not even from Moria!"

"Silence everyone," Aragorn said as they reached the edge of the forest. "We are about to enter the Lothlorien forest."

"Lothlorien, home to the mysterious Galadriel," Legolas added.

"Yes," Gimli said. "Some people enter these woods and never return. These woods are haunted by the strange elf witch who dwells here."

"Jesus H. Christ!" Merry screamed. "Then, please tell me, why are we going in here?"

"Because, you hairy half wit," Gimli said, "this is the quickest way–"

The Fellowship was suddenly surrounded by a band of Elves wearing golden armor, each of them pointing an arrow at the Fellowship. The woods fell silent for a moment as the Fellowship and the Elves engaged in a staredown.

"Whoa!" Maggie said finally, throwing her hands in the air. "This is a hell of a welcome wagon, guys."

"Yes, let's put those down, Haldir," Aragorn said, speaking to the Elf with the exceptionally shiny golden armor.

Haldir smiled sinisterly and lowered his bow and arrow. "The Dwarf is so loud we could've shot him in the dark."

Aly patted Gimli on the shoulder. "Oh, don't mind him, Elf man. Gimli learned to whisper in a saw mill. It's one of the Dwarves most undesirable traits."

Haldir gave Maggie and Aly a funny look. "Aragorn, when you contacted us, you said there would be nine passing through here. We only set up nine cots in the guest hut. There's ten of you. And where's Gandalf?"

Maggie stepped forward. "We lost him to a nudist colony a little ways back. Don't worry about the cots, buddy. I guess two of us will have to share, right Leggy?"

Haldir signaled for the rest of the Elves to lower their bows and arrows. "Let them pass. You, Elf that is not important enough to have a name, take them to the guest hut. Aragorn, come with me. We must talk about many things in preparation for the next part of your journey."

The guest hut was sparsely furnished. Only a television on a TV tray, nine cots, and a small bathroom in the rear. Maggie and Aly noticed the video collection immediately and ran over to inspect.

"These are all romantic comedies!" Maggie yelled, holding up a copies of "Pretty Woman" and "When Harry Met Sally. "Where are all the good movies? Don't they have "Fight Club" or something?"

Legolas smiled. "Yes, the Lothlorien Elves have a bit of a preoccupation with well-marketed romance. They celebrate Valentine's Day six times a year."

"So," Aly said, returning "Sweet Home Alabama" to the shelf, "this is what hell is like."

Legolas beckoned to her. "Come on, I'll take the both of you on a tour." The three of them left the hut, and Legolas lead them up a flight of stairs. "This is where the worship movies are shown."

"Worship movies?" Maggie asked.

"You know, the classics," Legolas added. "Like "Dirty Dancing" and "Ghost." They play them on big screens three times a day. A young Lothlorien Elf must watch these films at least 18 times before they are considered an adult."

"Oh," Aly said. 

"And over here is where they take young Elves with bushy eyebrows and glasses and turn them into the most beautiful, popular girl at school. That's the factory where they make heart-shaped chocolates. There's the chapel. You can only get married there if you plan a wedding with another Elf, and the Elf you really love crashes the wedding to proclaim his undying love for you."

"I feel like I'm in a Jennifer Lopez movie," Aly said.

"What's the title?" Maggie asked. "'She's All 10 Things I Hate about the Wedding Planner'?"

Legolas smiled. "I don't think I will ever comprehend the both of you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go find Aragorn. I want both of you to go straight back to the guest hut. No wandering around. Aly has a tendency to break things."

"I do not!" she yelled as he walked away. "My name's not Pippin!"

Maggie grabbed her shoulder. "C'mon. Let's tour a bit more. Legolas will never know. Just don't touch anything."

Maggie and Aly wandered through the Lothlorien forest, trying to be quiet and unseen. They passed several horse-drawn buggies parked by a lake ("Lover's Lane," Maggie said) and two or three engagement ring stores. They finally reached a part of the wood that wasn't so romantic comedy-ish. There were three tall trees surrounding a fountain that looked like a birdbath. Dozens of silver pitchers were lined up around one of the trees, and a small swing made from flower stems hung from another.

"Oh my God!" Aly said, running toward the fountain. "I have never been so happy to see a beverage in my life. I was beginning to worry that my throat was going to go on strike if I didn't give it some sort of refreshing liquid."

"Here, fill these up," Maggie said, tossing Aly two silver pitchers. 

Aly carefully dunked each pitcher into the fountain and filled them up. Then, she handed one to Maggie and held hers in the air. "Here's to living until tomorrow!"

"Here, here!" Maggie said, clunking her pitcher to Aly's. They remained quiet for a few seconds as each drank the water.

"Hmm," Aly said, smacking her lips. "Tastes really sweet."

"Yeah," Maggie said. "It's kind of like those drinks they used to have. You know, they were clear but they had a nice fruity flavor. Oh, what were they called. . ."

"Sometimes I think you're more scatterbrained than Pippin," Aly said, finishing off her pitcher and dropping it to the ground.

"Pick that up, and put it back," Maggie said. The girls returned their empty pitchers to their place beside the tree and headed back toward the guest hut. "My tummy feels sort of strange, Aly," Maggie said suddenly, pressing her hands to her abdomen.

"Strange? Oh, no!" Aly said, clutching her face. "It was bad water. We both have E. Boli!"

Maggie gave her a mean look. "It's E. _ Coli_, and that's not what I meant. It's not a bad feeling. It's just. . . funny, sort of strange."

Aly scratched her head. "Come to think of it, mine does too. Sort of light, and airy. You don't think the water made our stomachs sprout wings, and that our stomachs are going to fly out our mouths any second, do you?"

Maggie closed her eyes and sighed. "And you said _ my _mind wanders."

When Maggie and Aly returned, they saw that Aragorn and Legolas had come back to camp. Legolas and Gimli were chatting with two Lothlorien Elves, and Aragorn was inspecting one of the cots. Everyone else was eating the feast the Lothlorien Elves had brought. 

"Let's go ask Aragorn about our stomachs," Maggie said. "He's the smartest person here."

"That's not saying much," Aly said, eyeing Boromir and Merry, who were engaged in a game of leap frog. "Hey, Hot Old Guy, a minute of your time, we plead."

"Yes?" Aragorn said, looking at them.

Aly nudged Maggie. "Okay," Maggie started, "Legolas took us on a tour of the forest, and then he had to leave, and he told us to come straight back to the hut, but of course we didn't, and we found this fountain, so. . . we were thirsty, and we drank some. But, now our tummy's feel a bit odd. Any clues?"

Aragorn shook his head. "I do not know. I'll go ask Legolas in a minute. God, I can't leave you two alone for five seconds."

Maggie and Aly went to the other side of the guest hut and joined Pippin, Frodo and Sam, who were fighting over which cot was theirs. Quickly, Merry trotted over and began arguing as well. Aragorn went to talk to Legolas, who had just entered the hut.

"Legolas, Maggie and Aly approached me just now, mumbling something about a fountain and their stomachs feeling funny. Do you know what they speak of?"

Fear shone in Legolas's eyes for the first time. "Oh, no! The Libido Fountain! They drank from it. Oh, damn it."

"Libido?" Aragorn asked, watching Legolas run outside. He followed him, and Legolas quickly shut the door of the hut. 

"The um. . .Libido. You know, the Mojo Fountain," Legolas tried to explain more. "We can't risk saving the hobbits. They're just in for a rough night."

"I don't understand, Legolas," Aragorn said.

"No time to explain now," Legolas said, grabbing Aragorn's arm and motioning for Gimli and Boromir to follow them. "We've got to get as far away as possible. Then, I'll explain myself in more detail."

"Look, Pippin," Aly said. "Does it really matter who sleeps by the window?"

"Sorry, Miss Aly, it's just that Pippin is. . ." Sam stopped speaking because Aly was giving him a look he'd never seen before. "What's wrong, Miss Aly?"

Aly smiled. "You know, Sam, when you tilt your head like that, it's kinda sexy."

Sam blushed. "What?"

Maggie stood up, but stumbled a bit, falling into Merry's arms. "Why, Merry!" she exclaimed, feeling his arms. "You have surprisingly large muscles for such a small guy."

Merry nodded sheepishly. "We have a good gym in the Shire."

"Pippin, come and feel Merry's arms," Maggie said, pushing Pippin toward Merry. "Yeah, Pippin. Just rub his arms, like that."

"Hey!" Frodo said. "What the hell's going-- Ooof!" He didn't have time to finish his sentence because Aly pounced on him, knocking him backwards on one of the cots.

" _ I believe in miracles!_" Aly sang. "_ Where you from? You sexy thaaaang! I believe in miracles! Since you came alooong! You sexy thaaaang!_"

"Maggie, this is strange," Pippin said, moving toward her.

"Oh, Pippin! I thought you'd never ask!" Maggie said, jumping on him and falling onto the bed, dragging Merry along with her. "_ Yesterday, I was one of the lonely people! Now you're lying next to me! Giving it to meee! I believe in miracles! Where you from? You sexy thaaang! Sexy thing, you_!" she joined in singing with Aly.

"Sam," Aly said. "Could you come over here and help me unbutton Frodo's shirt?"

***

"Aruuagh!" Aly mumbled as she struggled to roll over. To her surprise, Sam was pressed up against her, giving her no room to roll over. When she tried rolling the other way, her face met Frodo who had an arm and a leg thrown over her body. "All right!!" she screamed, sitting up in bed. "What the FUCK. . . is going on here?!" Her loud voice scared Sam and Frodo out of their slumber.

"What?" Frodo asked groggily. 

"Why are you and Sam– for the love of everything holy, Sam, put your pants on! Have you both gone insane? Lost your little Hobbit minds?!"

Sam tumbled out of bed and began groping around for his pants. "Forgive me for not understanding, Miss Aly," Sam said, pulling his pants on. "I don't. . . why are you. . .I can't figure–"

"Spit it out, Sam," Aly said.

Sam looked to Frodo for help. "I think what Sam's trying to say is we don't understand. . .you were just singing a different tune last night," Frodo explained meekly.

"Well, the tune I'm singing this morning is 'Get the hell out of my bed,'" Aly said, shoving Frodo off the bed. She took a deep breath to calm herself. "What. . .what. . .what. . .how did. . .did I?" 

"Yes, you did, Miss Aly," Sam said. "We would never have done anything like that on our own. You instigated the whole thing, remember?"

"Yeah, remember?" Frodo chimed in. "I'm your sexy thing."

"You are many things, Frodo, my man, but my sexy thing is not one of them."

"That's not what you were screaming last night," Frodo added quietly.

"Screaming? I was. . . wait. We didn't. . .did we?" Aly asked, jumping out of bed.

Frodo turned to Sam. "I don't really remember. It's pretty much a haze of clothes flying off. . . exposed skin. . . moaning. . ."

Aly covered her ears. "Stop! Wait, was I any good?"

Sam nodded. "We enjoyed ourselves, Miss Aly."

"Well, that's good. No! That's not good! Augh! Where's Maggie?"

The three of them turned their attention to the other side of the room where two cots were pushed together. Together, they inched toward the cots, worried about what their eyes might come across. All they could see of Maggie was her face and one arm, which was draped across Merry's neck. Merry and Pippin's arms and legs covered the rest of her.

"Maggie?" Aly said quietly.

Maggie's eyelids fluttered, then opened. "Aly?" She glanced around, then let out a loud bellow. "Arrgh! Aly, help! I'm in a Hobbit sandwich! I've been taken against my will!"

"Morning, tiger," Pippin said, kissing her neck.

"Pippin!" Maggie said, pushing him away. "That is disgusting! What the hell are you two doing! Merry get off me!"

"That's something you never would've said last night," Merry said smiling as her rolled out of bed.

Aly let out a chuckle. "It must've been the water. Don't worry. Sam, Frodo, and I did the same thing."

"Did the same. . .did I. . . with Merry. . . _ and _Pippin?" Maggie asked desperately. Then, she turned to Merry and Pippin. "Wait, was I any good?"

They both nodded fervently. 

"Well, no harm done, I guess," Maggie said. "Goodness me. I've lost my bra. Anyone seen it?" Pippin unwound it from around his neck and handed it to her. "Thanks, Pippin."

Aly sighed. "I just hope that Leggy and Hot Old Guy don't find out about this," she said, walking toward the door. 

When she opened the door, she found Legolas, Aragorn, Boromir, and Gimli standing outside, smug smiles on their faces. As soon as she walked out, Legolas and Aragorn broke into song. "_ I believe in miracles! Where you from? You sexy thaaang_!" they sang before collapsing with laughter. As the Hobbits walked out of the hut, Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli and Boromir burst into applause.

"That is not funny!" Aly said, her face turning red. "How were we supposed to know that water was liquid sex drive?"

"I told you. . . not to. . .wander around," Legolas said in between bursts of laughter.

After Aragorn finally got all the giggles out, he motioned for everyone to follow him. "Our stay in Lothlorien is over. We must go see Galadriel, for she has some gifts she'd like to bestow on us." They all walked toward the castle, where Galadriel lived, the Hobbits quietly dishing details to Gimli and Legolas.

"_ You sexy thaaang!_" Legolas sang quietly, smiling at Maggie and Aly.

"You sing that one more time, and I'll give you the ass whuppin' of a lifetime," Aly said angrily.

"Ass whuppin'? Yeah, Frodo was just telling me that you're pretty good at those," Legolas said, which made everyone explode with laughter.

"Go to hell, all of you!" Aly shouted, which made everyone laugh even harder.

Galadriel was waiting for them on the steps as they approached. "Good morning, members of the Fellowship. I hope that your rest in my realm has been helpful. Of course, some of you did not get much sleep, yes?"

"Did you guys tell everyone?" Maggie asked.

Galadriel smiled and continued. "I have brought a gift for each of you. A gift that will aid you in your journey." She stepped forward and began distributing gifts to the Fellowship. "Sam, a bit of rope will help you." 

Sam took the rope and turned to Aly. "Hey, didn't you need some of this last night?"

Aly just pressed her lips together, her face turning red.

"Fallers of the sky," Galadriel said, stepping in front of Maggie and Aly. "I give you handcuffs, whipped cream, and a blindfold. Use them well."

Legolas and Aragorn collapsed with laughter, both of them rolling on the ground, tears streaming down their faces. "That's so funny!" Aragorn gasped.

Galadriel smiled at them. "It was a joke. Legolas and Aragorn made me do it. Here are your real gifts." She handed Maggie a lighter and four cans of hair spray, and gave Aly a black purse.

"This is mine!" Aly said. "How did you get it?"

Galadriel just smiled at her. "Use these gifts well, all of you. I hope that your journey keeps you safe, and I know that Middle-Earth is safe in your hands."

"Holy shit!" Frodo said, dropping to his knees.

"What?" Gimli asked, who was standing next to him.

"I dropped the Ring!" Frodo said frantically. The Fellowship spread out, looking for the Ring. "It was right around my neck, and then the chain just broke."

Aly spotted Boromir crawling away from the search. "Boromir! What are you doing? What's that. . . hey, Hot Old Guy! Boromir's got something in his mouth! Nothing funny. . ."

Boromir tried to get away, but Aragorn, Maggie, Aly, and Legolas pounced on him. Aly held her hand in front of Boromir's mouth. "Spit it out! Spit it!" Boromir opened his mouth and the Ring slid off his tongue and into Aly's hand. "Oh, sick!" she said, dropping the Ring on the ground, spit strings clinging to her hand.

"Aly!" Maggie said, picking up the Ring. "Eww! Legolas! Come here!" Legolas trotted over and Maggie wiped the spit of the Ring with the hem of Legolas's shirt. Then, she gave the Ring back to Frodo.

"We have canoes waiting for you at the river," Galadriel said as she started back up the staircase.

"Canoes. . . great," Aly said.

"Yeah," Maggie added. "Just when we thought it was safe to go back in the water. . ."


	10. Chapter Ten

****

Thank you for all the reviews! We're terribly sorry about not updating in SO incredibly long. But hey, we were all busy um. . . .watching movies and scratching our asses. But, here's your next installment, hot off the presses, full of laughter, suspense. . .well, maybe not suspense, but definitely laughter. Enjoy!

"Let me go over this one more time," Maggie said to Aly. She thrust a canoe oar into the air. "THIS. . .is a paddle. We put the paddle. . . .in the water. And move it. Like so. This is what propels us forward. Are you catching on? Am I speaking too fast?"

"Shut up, dill hole," Aly said, snatching the oar away from Maggie. "That's only the second time I've dropped it into the water. You act like you're the Amazon queen or something just because you watched a special about canoes on the Travel Channel."

"Girls! Girls! Too close! Too close!" Sam yelled frantically, waving his arms. It was too late. Maggie and Aly's canoe rammed into the side of Sam and Frodo's, giving all four passengers a whip lashing to remember.

"Oi!" Frodo said as he lurched forward, his face tumbling into Sam's crotch.

"I thought we agreed, boys. No more funny business!" Pippin called as he and Merry sailed smoothly past the canoe wreck.

"Yeah, if you need some love that bad, just ask Maggie or Aly," Merry added.

"Don't make me swim over there and whup your ass, Hobbit boy!" Aly called, struggling to pull herself out of the bottom of the boat. Finally, after several minutes, the canoe wreck was cleaned up, and Aly and Maggie were on their way again, desperately trying to catch up with the rest of the Fellowship.

"Maggie, take us over by Legolas and Gimli," Aly said. She had completely given up on paddling and was now holding the oar over one shoulder as if it were a bazooka. "A little to the left. Yeah, that's good. Target is in sight."

Legolas smiled as he saw the pair of them paddling rapidly in his direction. "Look at them," he said to Gimli. "Are they not the most adorable things you've ever seen in your life?"

Gimli grunted. "I've seen rocks that are more adorable than those two."

Aly aimed her oar at Legolas. "Incoming!" she yelled to him, pretending to shoot him with her bazooka. He played along, pretending that she'd shot him in the chest, and even threw in a little stumbling to make it realistic. Instead of being cute, like he had planned, Legolas lost his balance and tumbled over the side of the canoe, splashing into the water.

"Got him!" Maggie said, laughing so hard that she dropped her paddle into the river.

Legolas, however, was not laughing. "Help!" he yelled flailing his arms. "I am afraid I might drown!"

". . . .the fuck?" Aly looked at Maggie. "Leggy, are you being serious? You can't swim?"

The only answer Aly got was a couple bubbles, coming from the place where Legolas's head used to be. Gimli just sat in the boat, staring down at the bubbles. He was actually quite amused by the whole situation.

"Gimli! What the hell?" Maggie said, grabbing her paddle and steering the boat swiftly toward Legolas. "Are you trying to pull him back into the boat using your telekinesis powers? Move your G.D. boat out of the way, so we can rescue him!"

Aly stuck her paddle over the bubbles. "Leggy! Grab on! Come on, darling. We've made it this far together! You can't drown now, sweetums!" The bubbles stopped and Aly shot Maggie a worried glance. Then, she mustered all the courage she could. "I'm goin' in." Aly dropped her paddle, took a deep breath, and dove into the water. Her head surfaced quickly, and she paddled around, searching for Legolas. "Sweetheart! Where are you?" Suddenly, she stopped, a confused look on her face.

"What is it, Aly?" Maggie asked tensely, her hands clasped to her cheeks.

Aly stopped paddling and stood up. The water level hit her about six inches below her chin. "Legolas, you fuck ass!" She stomped toward the spot where Legolas was, floundering in the water. She grabbed his shoulders and pulled him to a standing position. 

"Oh, thank you!" he said, scooping Aly up in a massive hug. "I thought it was all-- am I standing?"

Aly pushed him away and folded her arms across her chest. "Yeah, Brilliant One. I just got soaking ass wet for you, and all you had to do was stand up. You are infuriating. This--" she pointed to her cheeks -- "is my angry face." She swam back over to Maggie, kicking water violently into Legolas's face.

"I, uh. . .damn it," Legolas said, climbing back into the canoe with Gimli. 

Gimli was rolling around in the bottom of the canoe, guffawing loudly. "Ack! Not only do elves have girly hair, they're also afraid of water!"

"What's going on?" Aragorn had just paddled over to the madness, raising an eyebrow at everyone. "This is a very serious matter and you lot are splashing around over here like it's playtime. Now, none of you can speak for five minutes."

Maggie snorted. "Daddy Hot One is giving us time out."

Aly laughed. "Yeah, we're all playing the quiet game."

"Silence!" Aragorn commanded. 

"I guess we lost!" Maggie said, clutching her stomach as she continued giggling. "Hey, Daddy Hot One, where's Boromir?"

Aragorn sighed and hung his head. Then, he pointed downstream. "He's insisted on swimming ahead of me." Everyone turned to look where Aragorn was pointing. All they could see was a pair of legs and a giant ass poking out of the water. A few seconds later, Boromir resurfaced, a fish wriggling in his mouth.

"Found my preciousssssss!" Boromir said, waving the fish over his head.

"That's great!" Maggie said, while Aly gave him the thumbs up sign. Everyone else started moving along, but Aly jumped back out of the canoe into the water. "What, might I ask, are you doing? You heard him. We've got go get going," Maggie said impatiently.

"I. . .have to pee," Aly said, swimming away from the boat a bit. Then, she stopped, and a complete look of bliss spread across her face. As Aly was swimming back, she noticed Pippin hopping out of his boat, probably going to do the same thing.

Aly tried to warn him as he swam dangerously close to where Aly had just been "Hey! Pippin! Don't go--"

"Augh! Warm patch! Warm patch!" Pippin said, scrambling away.

Before Maggie and Aly had a chance to begin laughing, a canoe rear-ended them, sending them flying into the front of the boat. 

"Bumper canoes!" Sam yelled as he and Frodo sped away, cackling manically.

"That's it," Aly said, picking up her oar. "Your asses are mine, Hobbits!"

"You mean this ass?" Frodo asked, standing up, dropping his pants, letting his little Hobbit butt shine for all the world to see.

Maggie and Aly quickly shielded their eyes. "Frodo! Jesus Howard Christ! You trying to blind us?" Aly screamed.

Frodo, giggling, pulled up his pants. "It's not like you haven't seen it before!"

"That was. . . .shut the hell up!" Aly yelled back. "Come on, Maggie. Let's annihilate them!"

"Aye, aye, cap'n!" Maggie said, saluting her before taking up her paddle.


	11. Chapter Eleven

****

The three of us will now bow down to our loyal readers, thanking them for their patience and for not sending us nasty e-mails. The long awaited update is finally here! There will be another very soon (like tomorrow) so check back! Once again, thankyouthankyouthankyou!

The current of the river was flowing faster and faster as the Fellowship paddled along. Maggie and Aly had been painfully trying to tip Sam and Frodo's canoe for the past thirty minutes, but with no success. Finally, they saw Aragorn paddle towards land and pull his canoe onto a small patch of sand.

"Keep on laughing, Hobbit!" Aly shouted to Frodo. "You've got it coming!" 

"You better watch yourself!" Maggie added. The two were so engrossed in yelling at Frodo that they didn't seem to notice that they were floating right past the spot where everyone else had beached their canoes.

"Fallers of the sky!" Aragorn yelled. "Where are you going?"

"Huh?" Aly turned to look at him. "Aw, shit."

Aragorn sped forward into the water, sloshing toward them. Maggie and Aly were in a near panic, each of them momentarily forgetting how to use their paddles. Finally, Aragorn reached them, but instead of pulling them back toward the shore like he had intended, he tipped the canoe. Maggie and Aly went spilling into the river.

"Wait to go, dummy," Maggie said as she surfaced. "Flip the canoe. Real smart." Aragorn offered his hand and pulled her back to shore, offering many apologies.

Aly surfaced nearer to the shore, screaming like a banshee. Sam waded out to her. "You can't do all that screaming, Miss Aly," he told her. "This is a bad place."

Legolas was pacing back and forth in a rush of anger. "Aly! Would you stop all the screaming and get out-- yes, listen to Sam." He went back to pacing, while Maggie and Aly gave him a funny look.

"What's up with him?" Maggie asked. 

Aly just shrugged and continued to watch him walk back and forth, his long blond hair flapping madly behind him. 

"Hmmm. . .danger is growing," he muttered. "I sure could go for a salad. Wait, that's Orlando Bloom talking. Stupid vegetarian!

"Oi!" Merry screamed suddenly. "Look alive! Pippin's got to piss!" Just then, Pippin came streaking by, his little Hobbit trousers already halfway to his knees, and dove into a patch of bushes. Boromir rolled out of the way in the nick of time and shot off into the woods, muttering something about his precious.

"Now where's his crazy ass off to?" Maggie asked, wringing the water out of her hair.

Amidst all of the madness, Frodo let out a gigantic yawn and spoke, although no one heard him. "Geez, I'm tired. I think I'll go find Boromir and let him hold the Ring while I snooze." He too took off into the woods, weaving in between the trees.

Merry let out a shrill laugh, startling everyone else. "Pippin sat on a thorny bush! He's pricked his bum!" As if on cue, Pippin came flying out of the bushes, both hands clasped around his rear.

"Hey, where the hell is Frodo?" Maggie asked. "Anyone seen him?"

As Aly was wringing her hair out, she noticed Gimli staring at her rather strangely. "Gimli, what the hell, man?" She stopped and glanced down at her soaking wet white T-shirt. "You Perv! Perv Dwarf!" She ran over to Legolas and hid behind him.

"Dwarf, stop being pervish," Legolas said. Then, he turned to Aragorn, oblivious to the fact the Aragorn's face was turning 40 shades of red. "Aragorn, we're losing them. They're all getting upset with each--"

"WILL EVERYONE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR TWO GODDAMN SECONDS!!!" Aragorn's voice blasted through the forest. His voice was so harsh and loud that even a few squirrels wet themselves.

Legolas turned to Aragorn and blinked a few times. "Well hot damn. Take some charge."

"Sheesh," Maggie said under her breath. "Somebody needs some Midol."

"What's Midol?" Pippin asked Merry.

"How the hell should I know?" Merry answered.

"EVERYONE SIT DOWN!" Aragorn bellowed. 

Aly let out a sharp grunt. "I don't like to be yelled at. I'm going for a walk to get away from you all! You Pervy Dwarf, and you Angry Human, and you Pissy Hobbit, and ALL OF YOU!" She stomped off toward a dense patch in the forest.

Legolas turned to Aragorn and folded his arms across his chest. "I hope you're happy. Don't even bother going after her."

"Aly! Wait up!" Maggie called after her friend. She ran right past Frodo, who was stumbling around, singing a song in which the only words were 'Sleepy time.' Boromir was nearby, crouched in a bush, watching Frodo's every move.

Legolas sighed, gave Aragorn an angry look, and ran off after Maggie and Aly. Merry, Sam, and Pippin followed him too.

Aragorn threw his hands into the air. "Aly! Come back! I'm sorry! I really am!"

Aly turned around to see everyone running after her. She started running, but tripped over a rock and fell face first into the dirt. Maggie didn't realize this until she tripped over Aly's legs and went sailing into a tree. Legolas jumped over Aly's legs, but slammed into the tree and fell on top of Maggie. Aragorn collapsed right on top of Legolas. Merry looked down at the heap of legs, arms, and torsos, looked at Pippin, then tackled him to the ground for no apparent reason.

"Oh my God!" Maggie said as Legolas helped her to her feet. "For about 15 seconds, I was the happiest girl alive!"

"Did you hear something?" Aragorn said, turning to face the dense part of the forest.

"I sense danger," Legolas said, appearing at Aragorn's side.

Out of the darkness of the forest, they heard a faint voice. "Froooodoooo! Frooooodooo!" Another voice sang in a tired voice. "Sleepy time, sleepy time."

"Borry's trying to take the Ring from Frodo!" Aly said quickly. "We've got to stop him."

Aragorn unsheathed his sword. "Legolas, stay here and protect everyone else."

Legolas notched an arrow. "No way. I'll go. You stay here and baby-sit."

Aragorn gave Legolas the evil eye. "You _will_ stay here, Elf. I will return shortly." He turned to stride toward the forest in a manly fashion, but his boot caught on a tree root, which sent him stumbling to the ground. He stood up quickly. "None of you saw that," he told the rest of the Fellowship.

"Of course not," Aly said, stifling laughter.

Legolas wasn't stifling anything. He was doubled over with laughter, guffawing at the clumsy human.

Aragorn set his jaw and threw his sword to the ground. "All right, Elf Boy. Come on. Me and you right now." He gave Legolas a shove. Legolas stopped laughing immediately and shoved Aragorn back. Aragorn let out a grunt and shoved Legolas into a tree. 

"Oh, well that's it, Human," Legolas said, barreling into Aragorn and knocking him backwards into a huge mud pit.

"Bring it, Elf!" Aragorn said, ripping at Legolas's shirt. 

Maggie and Aly watched in sheer joy as they proceeded to rip each other's shirts off and wrestle bare-chested in the mud. Merry, Pippin and Sam gathered around the mud pit, cheering the fight on.

"Omigod!" Aly said, staring obviously at Legolas's and Aragorn's rippled abs.

"This is such a good show that I need some popcorn," Maggie said smiling.

"Hell with popcorn. I need a drool bucket."

Maggie heard a shrieking noise coming from the forest. She turned back to the Legolas and Aragorn. "Boys, boys! Please! Am I gonna have to come in there and break you up?"

Legolas had Aragorn by the hair, about to deliver a punch to Aragorn's face. "Huh?"

"Frodo? Boromir? The One Ring? Any of this ringing a bell?" Aly asked.

"Oh yeah," Aragorn said standing up. He shook the water and mud from his hair and ran his hands over his chest and stomach to remove the mud from his naked body. Maggie and Aly swore that he did this in slow motion while some invisible band played 'Let's Get it On.'

"Help me!" Everyone could hear Frodo loud and clear now. He was running towards them, Boromir galloping on all fours behind him, snarling and nipping at Frodo's heels. Instead of slowing down, Frodo ran past everyone, tripped over his own feet, and rolled down the hill. The Ring leapt from his hand and rolled down the hill out of sight.

Merry mustered up all the courage he could. "Frodo, no! Froooooodoooooo!"

Sam let out a grunt and pushed Merry to the ground. Then, he turned to the hill. "Frodo, no! Froooodooooo!" He began to run down the hill in slow motion. He was halfway there when Pippin came up beside him.

"Why are you going in slow motion?" he asked.

"To make it more dramatic," Sam answered.

"Oh." Pippin also began running in slow motion, joining in with Sam is he bellowed Frodo's name as slowly as possible.

"PRECIOUSSSSS!" Boromir flung himself down the hill after the Ring.

Legolas burst forward with his Elven speed, but tumbled down the hill, landing on top of Boromir.

A bluebird flew down from the branch of a nearby tree to look for worms. "Chirp, chirp," he said. Then, his little beady eyes fell upon the One Ring. "Chirp?" He began contemplating on taking the Ring back up to his nest.

"Legolas!" Aly yelled from the top of the hill. "Shoot that bird!"

"What?" Legolas asked, standing up. "I can't. I'm an Elf. We like birds."

Aly sighed, then threw herself down the hill, rolling to a stop near the ring. The bluebird flew out of the way. "What the chirp!" he said as he flew back to his branch.

"I got it!" Aly said, holding up for everyone to see. Suddenly, the bushes to her left moved fiercely, and six Orcs sprang forth, growling and gnashing their teeth, their foul odor permeating the air. Aly gulped. "Emergency! 911 at the bottom of the hill!"


	12. Chapter Twelve

Aly stared up at the face of the incredibly massive Orc that towered over her, his teeth bared as he swayed back and forth, swinging his weapon dangerously close to her head. "I say GodDAMN, you are one ugly guy! Ever consider plastic surgery?"

"My. . . .PRECIOUSSSSS!" Boromir came out of nowhere and pounced on Aly, startling the Orcs.

"Holy mother of fuck!" Maggie yelled from the top of the hill. "Aragorn! Leggy! The Orcs are here! Do something!" Just as she said that 17 more Orcs appeared from behind trees, rocks and large shrubs.

Aragorn gave Maggie a quick nod, then jumped down the hill and began fighting the Orcs. Maggie had no choice but to follow suit. She grabbed Sam's pack, pulled out two forks, and dragged Sam down the hill with her.

One Orc immediately ran her way and began growling in her face. "Whew!" she said as she caught a whiff of the Orc's breath. "And I thought Frodo had ungodly bodily functions." She sank the forks into the Orc's kneecap, causing him to bellow in pain.

To Maggie's left, Legolas was trying to pull Boromir off of Aly. He succeeded, but then immediately fell backwards, Boromir falling on top of him. "Get the damn off me!" Legolas yelled.

"That's incorrect, Leggy!" Maggie yelled. "You have to use 'hell' or 'fuck' there, darling!"

Legolas sighed. "Well, then hell the damn off me!" Legolas jumped up and started shooting arrows left and right, looking incredibly manly as he did so.

The tall, incredibly massive Orc turned to his comrades and spoke. "Get the little ones!" Several Orcs followed him up the hill to where Frodo, Merry, and Pippin were milling about with their thumbs up their asses. 

Legolas noticed that three Orcs were surrounding Aly. "Maggie, to the other faller of the sky! She has the One Ring! Run!"

Maggie raced toward her friend. "That wasn't very smart, Leggy! I think we probably should've withheld that information. Now all the Orcs know who has the One Ring!" Maggie lunged toward one Orc that was about wallop Aly, who was crouched in a ball near a patch of bushes. Instead of tackling the Orc, Maggie sailed right into the arms of another Orc.

"Ah, another little one!" he growled. He grabbed her by the hair and swung her swiftly into the nearest tree.

Maggie crumpled into a heap atthe foot of the tree. She let out a cry, then jumped to her feet, her eyes blazing. "Oh, now I'm mad."

Since the Orcs were pre-occupied with Maggie, Aly seized the moment to stand up, put the Ring safely into her purse, and threw her fists into the air. "Okay, that's it!" She delivered a nasty punch to one of the Orc's cheek.

He cried out in pain. "Jesus!" he snarled. "You don't hit like a girl. You hit like a man named Bubba!"

Maggie tapped the Orc on the shoulder, but before he could turn around, she delivered a blow between his legs, praying that he had reproductive organs. Apparently, they do because he dropped to his knees and began crying.

Maggie and Aly took a brief moment to slap hands and do a little touchdown end zone dance. Suddenly, two Orcs came out of nowhere and wrapped their massive arms around Maggie and Aly. The Orcs took off toward the dense part of the forest.

"Get the little ones! All of them!" the head Orc snarled. Frodo and Sam heard this and went dashing into the bushes, out of sight. Merry and Pippin were engaged in a game of leap frog, and were quickly hoisted away, the Orcs following after the ones that had Maggie and Aly.

"G-o-o-o-o-d Da-a-a-a-amit!" Aly sputtered as she and Maggie bounced up and down, their captors dodging bushes and trees. "What the hell are we gonna do now? This wasn't supposed to happen this way!"

"I know!" Maggie yelled back. She tried to speak some more, but got a little Orc hair caught in her throat and went into a gagging fit. She recovered after several seconds. "Are we the only ones they took? Have you seen the Hobb's?"

A piercing shriek caused Maggie and Aly to look to their left. They saw Pippin and Merry being carried by an Orc. Pippin was near tears. "I'm gonna, I'm gonna. . . .no, I did. I wet myself," he wailed.

"Cool it, Pipster," Maggie said. "You're all right. Don't worry. The boys will come after us."

***

Aragorn dropped to his knees, watching sadly as the last of the Orcs fled in terror. He threw his sword down beside him and ran a hand through his hair. Just then, Gimli came walking up, a pink fluffy bath towel wrapped around his naked body.

"Where the FUCK were you?" Aragorn shouted.

"I was bathing. What'd I miss?" Gimli said.

"Dwarf!" Legolas appeared, his face dirty and sweaty. "We could have died here and you were bathing?!"

Gimli shrugged his shoulders, and let out an "Ack!"

Legolas placed a hand on his shoulder. "But thanks for taking a bath. You really needed it, my smelly friend."

Frodo and Sam meekly stepped out of the bushes. "Are they gone?" Frodo asked.

"Yes, my Hobbit-ly comrade," Gimli answered. 

"They took Pippin, Merry, and the fallers of the sky," Aragorn said.

Boromir jumped down from a tree branch, startling everyone. Instead of landing smoothly, though, he slipped on some leaves, and his head went crashing into a rock. "Oh! My head! I'm bleeding!" he said, no longer speaking in a Gollum-y voice.

Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas gathered around Boromir, who was writhing in pain. "They took the little ones," Boromir gasped.

"Stay still," Aragorn told him. "Legolas, help me keep him awake. He might have a concussion."

"Frodo! Where is Frodo?" Boromir hiccupped, tears beginning to run down his face.

"Uh, I'm right here, dude," Frodo said, stepping forward.

"I tried to take the Ring from him. I have failed you all," Boromir said dramatically.

"It's all over now, Aragorn. It's getting dark," Boromir whispered. "I would have followed you, my brother. My captain. My king."

Legolas sighed. "Boromir, you're not dying. You are just slightly concussed." Legolas tied a strip of cloth around the wound on Boromir's head, although the rock had barely broken the skin. "There? Does that feel better?"

Boromir sat up quickly. "Yes, yes it does."

Aragorn was no longer pretending to be strong. The tears slid one by one down his face. "It's all my fault. If I hadn't been so mean and yelled at them this morning, none of this would've ever happened. Now Aly has the One Ring, and they're all by themselves in this strange land."

Legolas crouched down and wrapped an arm around Aragorn. "There, there. Maggie and Aly are smarter than they look. They'll be all right."

Aragorn wiped his tears with one dirty sleeve. "You are right, Elf."

Gimli sat down on a rock, pulling his towel close to him. "The One Ring is lost. It has all been in vain."

Aragorn picked his sword back up. "Not if we hold true to each other, my stout, hairy friend. We will not abandon Merry, Pippin or the fallers of the sky to torment and death. Not while we have strength left." Aragorn raised his head high, regaining his confidence. He smiled wisely at Frodo and Sam. "Leave all that can be spared behind. We travel light. Let's hunt some Orc."

As Gimli dressed, and the others began lightening their packs, Sam noticed Frodo standing perfectly still, staring calmly at the dense forest beyond. Frodo's shoulders seemed to be shaking slightly as though he was crying.

Sam put down his pack and joined his friend. "What is it, Mr. Frodo?"

Frodo turned to look at Sam, his eyes full of tears. "I fear for Merry and Pippin."

Sam smiled slightly. "Miss Maggie and Miss Aly will look after them."

Frodo's bottom lip poked out a bit and he sniffled. "I don't suppose we'll ever see them naked again."

Sam rested a hand on Frodo's shoulder. "We may yet, Mr. Frodo. We may."

THE END

*Maggie, Aly, and myself would like to take the time to thank our loyal readers for always reading and reviewing our little story. I hope that you all enjoyed it. As for a sequel (and you know there's going to be a sequel!) it may be a little while (a week or so) before we get started on that. So, please check back often for the new story (still untitled). Once again, thanks so much!*


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